I don't know what to do anymore. Everything feels like it's going downhill. He won't talk to me now. We got into an argument yesterday, and it was totally my fault because I said something really stupid to him. I've been so stressed out lately with everything that's been going on for me with school. I took it out on him, and it was so unfair. And now I ruined everything. My whole life is ruined. We're almost done with this deployment, and I feel like I don't even have a husband anymore. I know that's silly, but that's how I've been feeling lately. I Know that I can type this cause as far as I know he doesn't even read this thing anymore. There's alot of things that are different now. He used to always keep me up to date on what was going on over there with him. Now, I have NO IDEA, and I haven't known anything for at least a month or more. He used to keep the emails I sent to him in his inbox, now he just deletes them, and puts them in the trash. It's like my feelings don't even matter anymore. I feel terrible, and everything is falling apart. I've got so many things going on with school, who knows if I'll even be able to stay in school. It's stupid, and I'm gonna fight it, but I shouldn't have to because I didnt' do ANYTHING wrong. I have a homework assignment that's due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet. I know it's my grade and I'm only hurting myself, but why should I sit here and do all that work if I'm not gonna get credit for it anyways. The whole thing is pissing me off, and stressing me out to the point I can't sleep, I can't eat cause when I do I get sick. The kids are about to get out of school for winter break, and I know I should take them to PA for the holidays, but I don't even feel like doing anything for the holidays. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. He'll be home soon, and part of me is excited and part of me is scared to death. I know this should be a happy time for us, but I really think I'm gonna lose him. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I can't tell him how I'm feeling, because that makes him mad, because he doesn't understand why I feel like this. I try to explain it but it always ends up coming out the wrong way, and then the fight gets bigger. I don't know anymore what to do. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. I love him more than anything, and our marriage is the most important thing to me, and I hate to see everything falling apart but I see it. I wish he could see it too, so we can fix it. Maybe he does, but he doesn't want to say anything until he gets home. He used to never want me to get a job, and now he does. Sometimes I wonder why he changed his mind on that too. Is it because he plans on divorcing me when he gets home? Or is it simply because the extra money would help. He gets mad at me when I over think things and analyze them, but right now I have no choice, He tells me everything is fine, but I can clearly see that things are not fine. I don't understand what is happening or why it's happening. And why now, we made it through almost a whole year of seperation, just for everything to fall apart at the end. I can't talk to my friends about any of this either. They all have enough to deal with. I feel so alone, and the one person I need more than anything right now, just isn't there. He used to always keep me updated on things, not anymore. He used to always tell me when he was gonna be online to talk to me. I almost always knew at least an approximate time. Now I know nothing. I feel like he just doesn't feel the need to tell me anything anymore, and I don't understand why. This just isn't him either. I married a very sensitive, loving man, and he's always been so thoughtful and considerate of me and my feelings, and now I can't even talk to him about them anymore because he doesn't seem interested in hearing about them. He gets so defensive, and then it all gets turned around into me making a big deal out of nothing. But that's not what is it. There's something else going on, I just wish I knew what it was and how to make it stop. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm confused. I always thought we had a GREAT marriage, and we've always been able to communicate so easily with each other. What has happened. I just want my husband back, and I just want our life back. I feel like it's been taken away from me. I know sometimes I do over react, and I hold on to the hurt I've experienced in my past, and he's not that man. He's not like them. But I'm having a hard time completly letting my guard down, because everytime I do, that's when I get hurt. I feel like throwing up right now, I feel so sick because I don't know what to think about any of this. I don't know what to do. He gets upset because I need to be reassured that everything's ok, but I can't help that. I can't control my feelings, or my emotions, I haven't been trained to do that. Everything inside of me just comes out, and no matter what I try to do to stop thinking about it, and just relax, the worse it gets. I know for him right now is a very busy time, and he's also under alot of stress. i just pray that the stress he's under is what's causing things to be the way they have been lately. I almost feel like I should have a back up plan. And I wonder sometimes what me and Denny will do if he comes home and doesn't want to be with me anymore. What if I've ruined everything. I know it's so wrong to think that. Because it would take a very cold hearted person to do something like that to their wife and child, and that's just not him. He's not that type of person. At least he wasn't. I feel like I don't even know him anymore, and I feel like I have to carefully take little baby steps with everything I do or say anymore. I'm wrong. Everything I do is wrong. Then he tells me that I don't have any confidence. Well, I have confidence. Not right now though because I have no fucking clue what is going on in our marriage. Of course I'm not gonna be confident about it when it feels like it's falling apart. What am I supossed to be happy, and act as if everything's normal. Because I can't. I can't act like everything's normal and I can't be happy when things are this way. When I can see there's something wrong. Why won't he just talk to me and tell me what it is. He won't even respond to the email I sent him last night, and I know he checked it too. It's in the trash, and once again, my feelings got brushed aside. He didn't even acknowledge that I emailed him. Still hasn't gotten online to talk to me., or even sent me a response. Now i'm afraid that he's not gonna talk to me anymore while he's gone, because he told me before that he wasn't going to. And when we do talk, he seems so distracted like he doesn't even feel lke talking to me. He's not at fault here. He's a good husband, and a good father. But I'm not totally to blame for this either.I guess I have no choice but to wait it out, and see how things go. I just hope I still have a husband.