It's getting closer now, and I'm really getting excited. It's gonna feel so good to have him back at home finally. The waiting, and not knowing is killing me. I haven't talked to him since Christmas Eve, and I thought for sure he would have called me today but he didn't. I know that he's probably really busy and just unable to call me, but I can't help but worry, and wonder if he's ok. We haven't been planning out any set days that he'll be calling home, but for some reason I tend to get my heart set on certain days anyways, just going by the way it's been working out. I know that's a bad thing to be doing, because I only get my hopes up and then I'm disappointed when the phone doesn't ring. I'm seeing so many more people's husband's coming home, and I'm really happy for those that have their soldiers back at home. But it still doesn't help me feel better. I want mine home too. I know it's coming, and there's not much longer to go, but this is alot harder than i thought it would be. I'm trying to do my best, and I'm trying to stay as strong as I can, but I feel like I need to hear from him so I can at least relax a little, at least then I will know that he's ok. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. Right now, I just want to hear his voice. I can be so selfish sometimes, and I know that it's wrong. I'm only weeks away from having him back at home, while others are just saying goodbye, and have to go through a whole deployment. I should be happy. Part of me is happy, but part of me is afraid. I don't know what things are gonna be like when he comes home. I'm nervous, and afraid. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't want to be with me? Are we gonna be werid with each other. I have no idea what to expect. I read, and read more information on the affects of deployment to try and get an idea of what to expect. That's only natural for me to do, I'm a thinker. I like to be informed, and I like to try and prepare. But, some of the things I've been reading are scary. They don't seem like they fit us and the way our marriage is. Some of the things I read that happens, seems like those people must have had serious problems in their marriages before the deployment. We didn't have any serious problems in our marriage. I've always thought we had a GREAT marriage, and I'm afraid, what if it's not great anymore? What am I gonna do if I lose him? I just have so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know where to go, or what to do to make myself feel better. I don't want to slip back into the way I was before, but I don't know anymore. I shouldn't even be thinking half of these things, they all seem pretty unrealistic, and deep down I know that he loves me just as much now as he did when he left, so why? Why am I sitting here questioning things that I already know the answer to. Of course everything's gonna be fine when he comes home. Why am I doing this to myself? I think I need to go to bed, try and get some sleep. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow.