Everything feels weird again. I mean things with us are going really good, but I feel like something's wrong with me. I'm trying to remember if I was feeling this way during the deployment, to see if it's just stress again like the last time, but I can't remember how I felt before. Allen's being kinda insensitive about it, and told me that if i don't go to the doctor he doesn't want to hear about it. I want to go but I don't want to go alone. I want him there with me. He's in the field and even though it's only been since the beginning of the week, it's reminding me of what it was like when he was deployed. I know it's totally different but the emptiness in the house is still there after Denny goes to bed. Allen got to come home for a few hours which was nice, but I wish he could have stayed home. I haven't cried this whole week that he's been gone, and I thought I was doing really good. I know it's only a week and that's nothing but once again I'm used to him being home and I don't like being alone. I'm fine during the day and when Denny's awake, but the lonliness hits me after Denny goes to bed. Well, I cried tonight right when he was leaving and he actually told me that he can tell that I'm never gonna make it through another deployment. That hurt really bad. I can make it through another deployment, I made it before, and I know I can do it again. Then I keep thinking about that. Him leaving again for another deployment. I don't want him to go again. I want him home with us. I feel so selfish for wanting him here, but I'm just scared. I don't want to go through that again. It's going to happen though, he will have to go back, and I think because I know this and he has other things coming up that will take him away from home before the next deployment, I just feel like we're not going to get any time together. and it sucks. The whole house smells like him right now, he took a shower when he was home and all I smell is his body wash. It's making me want him here even more. I don't want him to think that I can't make it through another deployment, but it's so hard to hold back my emotions. I try, I really do. I'm still working full time and going to school. I'm under alot of stress and I don't know how long I can keep doing both. I can't quit school because I have come so far in working towards my degree and it's costing so much money for me to get it, I can't give that up. I can quit work, but I'm afraid that since we have 2 car payments now that we won't make it financially without me working. Allen has been telling me to quit work, but I don't want to be to cause of a financial problem. My classes are getting harder though and are requiring alot more time and a lot more work in order to learn the material and do good. I continuously think about how much longer can I do this. I can't mentally and I can't physically keep up with working and school. I don't want to quit though. I'm stuck without knowing what to do on this one. I also think I might be a little depressed. I don't want to be but I've got myself in this rut, where I feel like I'm going nowhere, and I'm just not happy trying to work and go to school at the same time. And work, all the issues there, I can't even begin to get on that topic right now. I know that I can't have it my way and that I have to make sacrifices in order to get what we want in life, but at what cost. I'm seriously mentally drained right now, and I can't keep up with everything. I need someone to talk to but who. I want my husband, but sometimes I don't feel that he understands or that he thinks i'm exaggerating or that it's all in my head. I try to explain but he tells me that I don't need to explain. I'm glad that he doesn't need an explanation but I need to explain it in order to make myself feel better. I need to vent and get everything out of my system. I don't want to stress him out though. It's so hard, I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to talk to about all of this. O-well only 2 more days and he'll be back and then we can figure this out together.