Journey through deployment

2008-08-16T23:43:00.003-05:00

wow it has really been along time since I wrote anything in this. the first half of the deployment went great, allen came home for r&r at the end of may and it couldn't have been better. It was the most wonderful feeling to have him back here at home with us even if it was only for 18 days. We did alot of things together, went to the cabin up in Helen for a few days, we had a lot of fun. We did alot of relaxing around the house together too, and allen had his first pedicure and full body massage while he was home. I'm still shocked i kept it a secret from him. I think he liked it though.
After he went back things slowly began to fall apart. Larae flooded our house and we had to move. we stayed in a hotel for a few days while we had to wait for the new house to be ready. Allens internet hasn't been working right since he went back over there after leave, and we haven't been getting to talk as much as we were. I stopped going out and doing things with my friends, and even think I was starting to get depressed. I got a sinus infection, which of course the way my mind works, I turned it into this major ordeal, and all of my anxiety symptoms came back full force, just like they did last deployment. I started thinking all kinds of things. I went to the doctor tonight though and explained all the headaches I've been getting on the right side of my head, all the shakiness and tingling feelings in my head, and throughout my body. They did some bloodwork, and a urine test, and also a CT scan of my head. I was really scared and they had to give me anti anxiety medication to calm me done, but everything thankfully turned out ok. They didn't find anything wrong with me, and they're still saying that my headaches are a mixture between sinuses and the stress and anxiety i'm putting myself though. After that I felt 100% better. Now I can finally relax and get through the last couple months of this deployment without stressing out myself or allen about how i'm feeling. I'm so relieved.
Allen's been doing good, he's been getting online as much as he can to talk to me. I know he's ready to come home too. It's been almost 10 months now since he's been gone, and i definately can tell the difference between a year long deployment and a 15 month one. and it sucks.
At times I feel so distant from him, and at times I feel like I can't even see the end of this. But for the most part, I was stressing again over me and my health. I know I was probably driving allen crazy talking about it. that's why I can't wait till tomorrow to talk to him about it. and let him know that we don't have to worry anymore and that everything's fine. even though I know he already knows that. he never did think there was anything wrong with me. i'm just glad that now i know it too so that we can get back to talking about happy things instead of me always being down in the dumps and depressed sounding,
After I got home from the hospital I took dennis and two of his friends bowling, they bowled a couple games and then played video games for a little while too. It was really nice just to take some time with dennis and his friends doing something fun. i want to start taking him and doing more fun things with him that way the time goes by faster and the deployment can come to an end. I would give anything if he'd get to come home a little early, maybe even be here for christmas, but that's probably not gonna happen. either way though we only have a couple more months to go. and now that dennis is back in school and soccer has started back up, time should start to go by a little faster. i just can't wait for the day when our family is back together under one roof again. it's gonna be the greatest feeling ever. i miss him more than i can explain.

2008-01-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's going on or why he's not calling me again. It has been almost 4 days since I talked to him last. I hate this so bad. He was doing so good with calling me and getting online until now. I don't have an explanation and I'm sure he'll come up with one, even though I know it's not gonna make any sense. Other people in his squad talked to their husbands today, so why hasn't mine called me. I feel so abandoned and forgotten right now. I just don't understand. I already know that for part of the time I went without talking to him their was a blackout, but i also know that there wasn't one yesterday or today. So why didn't he call me. Last time we talked he told me he was gonna get online the next morning and he didn't. Here we are 3 days later and still I haven't heard from him. I hate when this happens. He was sick the last time we talked, and he kept on coughing and coughing. He could barely breathe. He should already know that I'm gonna be mad at him for not calling me. He could have at least take a couple of minutes from his busy schedule to call and at least let me know that he's alright. I have been sitting here worrying and making myself crazy something I swore I wasn't gonna let happen this deployment. I feel so distant from him right now. It's like I don't even know what's going on, or really even know anything. I want to scream and cry and I really more than anything just want him to be here to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be ok. And that he does love me, and that we're gonna make it through this deployment. It's times like this when I wonder how we're gonna make it through a whole year from now before he gets to come home. And personally, it's WAY too early in the deployment for me to be feeling like this. There's so many things I want to tell him, and so many things that I wish he would tell me. But, that's apparently not gonna happen considering I can't even get him to call me. WHY WHY WHY does this shit have to happen to me. I miss him so much I can't even explain it, and right now I feel like he forgot that he has a wife and a son back here worrying about him, just wanting to hear from him and know that he's safe. I guess I spoke to soon when I always said about how good about calling me he is. I tell everyone how lucky I am that we keep such good communication with each other. And now look at this shit. Just proved me wrong. I just hope that it's not like this the whole way through the deployment. And I can't help but wonder the crazy kinda shit that my mind likes to think. Did he find someone else, doesn't he miss me or love me anymore. Doesn't he worry about us, and what's going on back home. What could he be doing for the past three days that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for him to call me, even if it's just for a few minutes to tell me that everything's fine. I know when he does call I'm gonna cry. I don't want to but I know I'm not gonna be able to help it. I just hope he calls me tonight. I already know what he's gonna be doing tonight and there's no reason at all that he shouldn't be able to call me. I just hope it's soon. Like tonight.

2007-12-28T23:32:00.000-05:00

It's been two months now since he left again and I thought i was doing so good. I find myself wondering again why there's a slowdown in our communication. I shouldn't complain, we still get to talk alot more than others do, but he has a cellphone and sometimes he tells me that he's going to call me and then he doesn't. I understand that he's busy, but before he would call and tell me that he couldn't talk that he was going to be busy, but now he's just letting it go and not calling. I don't know why I'm letting this bother me, and I don't know why my mind wonders and I think he's doing crazy things. I know he'd never do anything to hurt me, and I can't explain why I feel this way, but I really feel like he's not missing me like I'm missing him. Maybe it's just because he's gotten busier lately, but I don't know. Then lately when we've been talking, he's not really saying very much, mostly letting me do all the talking. I don't like that, it makes me feel so distant, and I don't want to feel that way. I love him more than anything in the world, and I just don't want a deployment to ruin what we have. I'm just so afraid that he's gonna fall out of love with me, and not want to be married to me when he comes home. I don't know what I would do if that ever happened. I need him more than I have ever needed or wanted anyone or anything in my life. He's EVERYTHING to me. I can't bare the thought of going through life without him by my side. I hope I don't ever have to worry about that.
I found some funny looking links on the computer and when I went to them they were all online dating sites, and hook up sites for our local area. I don't go to those things, and no one else should have been on our computer going to stuff like that. I spent a couple hours the other night searching through online profiles on those sites trying to see if I found one for him. Of course I didn't, and now I don't even know why I looked. I guess a part of me thought that he might have made one for himself at some point, even last deployment. Why can't I just let things alone. Deep down inside I know that he loves me, and he's not gonna do anything stupid over there to mess things up, I just can't shake this feeling. Believe me I don't want to think that way, but no matter what I do, I can't help it. I've been handling this deployment so much better than the last time around, and I don't want anything to cause me to slip back into that depressed mood that I was in during the last deployment, I can't have that happen. Maybe it's just cause of the holidays and the fact that I haven't gotten to see in on the computer in awhile that's causing me to feel like he's being distant. I know physically we are really far apart, but emotionally and mentally I want us to stay as close if not closer than we were when he was home. Or maybe I'm feeling like this because he's been so busy and we haven't got to talk as much as we used to. I'm waiting to see if he's gonna call me tonight. I just tried to call him but it didn't go through. I hate when that happens. He was supossed to call me this afternoon but he didn't so I'm really hoping to get to talk to him tonight before I go to bed. I just want to hear his voice. I had a rough day today and just would really like to hear his voice. I have a feeling he's not going to call again. He hasn't been calling me at night lately. There's no blackouts or anything that I know of that's been stopping him from calling, so I'm really not sure what's going on. Now I'm just sitting here rambling on and on waiting for the phone to ring. I feel like a crazy person. Time goes by so slow when I don't get to talk to him. We were doing so good with communication and lately I feel like we barely talk. It sucks so bad. I'm so ready for him to come home. He has some stuff coming up that might prevent us from talking for a little while, so I'd like to get some talking time in now just in case I can't here from him for a little bit. It's only 12:03am and I shouldn't be thinking that he's not gonna call. It's not really that late yet. I don't care what time it is, even if I'm sleeping and he wakes me up in the middle of the night. It's fine with me. Sometimes, I wonder if talking to me is as important to him as it is to me. I guess I still have a hard time understanding, and because I'm not there I probably never will completly understand where he's coming from. I feel so selfish for thinking that way I do sometimes, and I shouldn't be upset that sometimes he doesn't get to call. It's wrong of me to be upset, I guess I just worry about him alot and when i don't hear from him, it makes me worry more. I don't know. I just hope that he's able to call so I can talk to him for a little while, maybe that will put my mind at ease and make me feel better. I'm starting to feel myself slipping into a slump, and it's WAY to early for that to happen

2007-11-12T00:31:00.000-05:00

Well I finally got to talk to him today, it felt so good to hear his voice, even though I had to go 3 days without hearing from him, it felt like FOREVER. I think it's because that's the longest I had to wait to hear from him since he left. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he's been gone. It feels like it's been so much longer. Even though me and Dennis have been trying to stay as busy as we can, soccer's almost over so we won't have much to do to occupy the time after this weekend. Unless the team makes it to states. That would be really nice, and a big accomplishment for all of them. Dennis has been doing pretty good, he's been listening to me better this time around and he's been helping me around the house, and doing his homework when he gets home from school. I don't know if it's completely hit either one of us yet. It's just really different and hard to explain the emotions that I'm going through this time compared to the way I was last time. Today we were busy again, we went over to Heather's early in the day and watched a movie and just hung out. Then me and Dennis went over to Chris's house and had dinner and she helped me get some more of my math homework done. It was nice to finish another chapter in that class. It really sucks that I'm having such a hard time catching on and understanding how to do the problems, but it's good that Chris is willing to help me out with it, even though we haven't been hanging out a whole lot anymore. I was waiting up tonight cause Allen said that he was going to call me tonight, but he hasn't so far, so I doubt that he's going to now. I guess he either got busy doing stuff or else, he's still sleeping. I'm sure I'll talk to him sometime tomorrow. It's gonna be another busy day for me. I have to do so much stuff again. But at least I can sleep in for a little bit since Dennis doesn't have school tomorrow.

Another Deployment

2007-11-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

He's been gone now for about 10 days. I can't believe we have to go through another deployment. This one's going to be a little longer than last time. So far, I have been doing really good. I don't think that it's completly hit me yet. Me and Dennis have been really busy with soccer that I haven't been in the house too much in the evenings until around 9pm and by then I'm working on schoolwork, or talking to Heather. I've been hanging out with her alot since Allen left and it's really helping me to stay sane. I think since she's in the same situation as me and our husband's are actually together I feel better.
I miss him so much though, I can't stop thinking about him. He's been doing really good about contacting me though, and that's making a HUGE difference. The days that I hear from him are my best days. I just need to know that he's safe and that he's doing good and then I think I'll be alright. I can't explain why it feels so different this time but it does. Part of it I'm sure is because we went through this once before and I know a little more about what to expect. I have the dogs and Dennis is older, living on post is also helping, and I actually have friends this time around. Even though I had a few friends the last time, they weren't the same. And those friends aren't really here for me this time. I guess I feel different this time because the whole thing is different. I know that we're going to be fine and we're going to get through this. I just wish it was time for R&R already. I forgot how bad it felt to miss him this much and how lonely it is without him in bed with me at night. It's the little things that I miss the most. I miss him holding me, I miss him kissing me, I miss folding his laundry, and getting him to yell at the dogs because they won't listen to me. I miss him coming in from PT in the morning and coming home for lunch. I acutally miss his driving too, even though I complained about it alot, it was nice having him to drive when we'd go somewhere. I miss hearing him laugh, snore, cough, breath. I miss everything about him. I can't wait till he's back at home with us. This is gonna be a long 15 months.

2007-04-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know why he's not calling. I talked to him last at about 12:30pm. He might be busy or something, either that or he doesn't have a signal on his phone. I can't go two weeks without talking to him at all, and I'm really scared that's what's going to happen. I know that he was working, but I also know that he's done, and I don't understand why he hasn't called me yet. I didn't do a whole lot today, I was pretty lazy. Went to soccer practice and then came home and watched tv all day. I miss him so much, and I can't wait till he gets home. Hopefully it will go by fast, and I'll be able to talk to him soon. I bet he never got the chance to charge his phone, and now that he's back from working he has to charge it before he can call me. This is the part that I hate the most about when he's gone. The not knowing thing. I hate not knowing what's going on, and having to sit here and guess all the time. Usually when I guess I'm wrong, or I think of a million possiblities and end up sitting here driving myself crazy. I just want to tell him goodnight and let him know that I love him and miss him.

2007-04-21T10:44:00.000-05:00

Well, he's been gone now for a week. Last night we got in a really big fight, it was the first time we fought since he left. I hate when we fight, we both tend to say some really hurtful things to each other. He really hurt my feelings last night, and it seems like everytime he's away from home, he's different. He's mean, and he yells at me over things he normally wouldn't get so upset about. I don't think he realizes how it makes me feel, or even that he's doing it. I know that I ask a lot of questions, but I don't intentionally drill him like he says I do. I just feel like I have a right to know what's going on, and I shoudn't feel like he's hiding things from me. If he would just give me a straight and honest answer when I ask him something, I wouldn't need to go back and ask more questions, but he always gives me vague answers and it makes it seem like he's hiding something, or like he doesn't want to tell me certain things. It hurts, because I tell him everything, and I want us to have that type of marriage, one where we tell each other everything. Maybe I am being stupid and over reactting.
On the positive side of it, he sent me a cute little message afterwards and even called to apologize, that made me feel really good. I know that I was wrong too, but I didn't think that he would recognize how mean he was to me. I think part of it is because of the stress that we're both under with him getting ready to leave again. This training is just leading up to that, and I'm starting to think that this next deployment might be harder on us than the last one, because he's been home for so long, and we've gotten closer, and so used to each other. I know that I miss him already, and I'm ready for this to be over. I want him to come home, and there's nothing I can do to make that happen. I just have to sit back and try to make the best of it, and use every opportunity that I can to talk to him, and keep things positive. It's only been a week but it feels alot longer, I don't know how I got through the last deployment with him being gone for a year. It feels like this is never going to end. I just want to be able to have him home. I don't want him to go again, and since this time it's going to be longer, it's going to be harder and i'm going to be miserable. I guess I don't have a choice though, I'll just have to make the best of it.

2007-04-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

Here we are again, preparing for another long deployment. He's gone now, but this time it's only for training. I'm doing good so far, it's lonely, and I guess it's gonna take a few days to get used to sleeping without him next to me. I've gotten to talk to him twice today, twice yesterday, and twice the day before. I'm glad that he has a cellphone signal, and we're at least able to talk so much. It really makes it alot easier. I miss him already, and I wish that he could be here. I'm really worried about Dennis and how he's handling things. He cried last night for almost 2 hours. I had to call Allen to see if it would help Dennis to settle down and go to sleep. Eventually, he calmed down, and he even slept in his own bed. Holding onto a pair of Daddy's shorts and his Jets jersey. But, at least they were able to comfort him, along with getting to talk his daddy. I just can't helping wonder what it's going to be like when Allen leaves for Iraq this next time. I know it's going to be harder this time, for Dennis, and I wonder how it's going to be for me. I think I'm going to call and schedule a counseling appointment for us. I think it would be better to start it now, before the deployment, and hopefully it will make it easier for us. I'm more scared this time than I was the last time. I think part of it is because I remember how difficult that time away from Allen was for all of us. Part of it, I think is because I know that this time it's going to be longer, and even though I trust in his ability to do his job, I'm still scared that something's going to happen to him. I know that I can't live in fear, and I have to do this. I have to be strong, not only for myself, but for Allen and Dennis. I like it better since we moved, I feel safer, and it's nice being close to Chris again. I think Dennis likes it better too. He has more friends here, and we've been giving him a little bit more freedom to enjoy his childhood. It's nice having the dogs too. They keep me busy, but they also make me feel a little safer too. Soccer season has started and we have that to keep us busy. It sucks that Allen won't get to be at any more of the games. He only got to see one. O-well, at least I can record them and he will be here for baseball season. It just seems so far away. It's only a month, 28 more days to go before I get to see him again. I hate the goodbyes the most. It just sucks. I hate sleeping alone, and I hate having to think about him being so far away. This time it's not like he's that far, but it still feels so empty. It's nice to not be working anymore. I think we're going to make it without me working. I feel so much less stressed out. It's nice to be able to get things done around the house during the day, and be able to run errands while Denny's at school. I wonder if he ever gets lonely when he's away from home. Part of me thinks that he couldn't get lonely because he's busy and he's around so many other people all the time. I just wonder how he feels when he's gone, and what it's like for him. He really doesn't talk about his feelings alot, sometimes I wish he would, at least then I would know a little more of what it's like for him too.

2007-01-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

Everything feels weird again. I mean things with us are going really good, but I feel like something's wrong with me. I'm trying to remember if I was feeling this way during the deployment, to see if it's just stress again like the last time, but I can't remember how I felt before. Allen's being kinda insensitive about it, and told me that if i don't go to the doctor he doesn't want to hear about it. I want to go but I don't want to go alone. I want him there with me. He's in the field and even though it's only been since the beginning of the week, it's reminding me of what it was like when he was deployed. I know it's totally different but the emptiness in the house is still there after Denny goes to bed. Allen got to come home for a few hours which was nice, but I wish he could have stayed home. I haven't cried this whole week that he's been gone, and I thought I was doing really good. I know it's only a week and that's nothing but once again I'm used to him being home and I don't like being alone. I'm fine during the day and when Denny's awake, but the lonliness hits me after Denny goes to bed. Well, I cried tonight right when he was leaving and he actually told me that he can tell that I'm never gonna make it through another deployment. That hurt really bad. I can make it through another deployment, I made it before, and I know I can do it again. Then I keep thinking about that. Him leaving again for another deployment. I don't want him to go again. I want him home with us. I feel so selfish for wanting him here, but I'm just scared. I don't want to go through that again. It's going to happen though, he will have to go back, and I think because I know this and he has other things coming up that will take him away from home before the next deployment, I just feel like we're not going to get any time together. and it sucks. The whole house smells like him right now, he took a shower when he was home and all I smell is his body wash. It's making me want him here even more. I don't want him to think that I can't make it through another deployment, but it's so hard to hold back my emotions. I try, I really do. I'm still working full time and going to school. I'm under alot of stress and I don't know how long I can keep doing both. I can't quit school because I have come so far in working towards my degree and it's costing so much money for me to get it, I can't give that up. I can quit work, but I'm afraid that since we have 2 car payments now that we won't make it financially without me working. Allen has been telling me to quit work, but I don't want to be to cause of a financial problem. My classes are getting harder though and are requiring alot more time and a lot more work in order to learn the material and do good. I continuously think about how much longer can I do this. I can't mentally and I can't physically keep up with working and school. I don't want to quit though. I'm stuck without knowing what to do on this one. I also think I might be a little depressed. I don't want to be but I've got myself in this rut, where I feel like I'm going nowhere, and I'm just not happy trying to work and go to school at the same time. And work, all the issues there, I can't even begin to get on that topic right now. I know that I can't have it my way and that I have to make sacrifices in order to get what we want in life, but at what cost. I'm seriously mentally drained right now, and I can't keep up with everything. I need someone to talk to but who. I want my husband, but sometimes I don't feel that he understands or that he thinks i'm exaggerating or that it's all in my head. I try to explain but he tells me that I don't need to explain. I'm glad that he doesn't need an explanation but I need to explain it in order to make myself feel better. I need to vent and get everything out of my system. I don't want to stress him out though. It's so hard, I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to talk to about all of this. O-well only 2 more days and he'll be back and then we can figure this out together.

2006-07-10T20:29:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I updated anything in here, I don't know where to begin. Allen made it home safely on January 13, 2006. It's been wonderful having him back at home. I didn't realize that the actual adjustment time from this deployment would happen months after he was back but it did. At first everything seemed like he never even left. It was different, but yet it was still the same. I cried alot, but it was more because he was home, and I think I was in shock or something. I started working full time on February 7th, and still going to school at the same time. I think that was our biggest challenge. I was moody, and stressed because of work and school, I started to have a hard time, and I felt guilty because I wasn't able to do as much around the house. It was hard because I was used to doing it all. I just wanted to cook for him all the time, and make sure he could relax, but with work and school it was too hard to do it all. I felt like I wasn't doing my job around the house because he was the one doing all the cooking and cleaning. I know he didn't mind. Getting used to that, and working out a routine with both of us working, and Denny's sports was probably the biggest challenge for us. He had a hard time when I first started working too, because he was at home all day and nobody was here. I felt guilty because I couldn't be here all day like I was before the deployment. But we made it through that. We've made it through everything, and I think the next time he has to leave I'll be more prepared and know what to expect. Denny's still playing sports. We went through spring soccer and then just finished up with Baseball. Fall soccer will be starting soon, but at least now we know that because of our schedules our time together is gonna be less than what we want. Everything else is going good, and it's been alot easier on all of us since we got a second car.

2006-01-09T00:40:00.000-05:00

I've been really busy, getting everything ready for Allen to come home, working on school stuff, and helping my friends get ready for their husband's returns that I completly have been forgetting to do things. I don't know where my mind is lately. I went from being SUPER excited, and anxious, to nervous and scared to frustrated and angry all within the last few days. I know that things change all the time, and it can't be helped. It's not his fault or my fault that this is happening, but I really thought I would know something by now. He called me yesterday again, he's been doing really good about calling me. At least he was. Right now, I'm frustrated because I haven't heard anything from him, and I know that he's just sitting around with nothing to do, so why hasn't he called me. Is he mad at me for something, does he just not want to talk to me, are the phones down, or is it simply because he doesn't want me to be disappointed that things aren't going the way they were originally planned to take place. I don't know. I just wish I would hear something, from him, from rear d, from someone. I want to know what's going on. I've waited for him to come back home to me for so long, and I know he's waiting to come home to. But, I deserve to have some answers here, and so does he. I can only imagine how he must be feeling right now. I know what it's doing to me, and it has to be just as bad if not worse for him. I just want him home. I better hear something from someone by tomorow night, or i'm gonna go crazy. It feels like it's never going to happen. It's never gonna be our turn to have our family back under the same roof. It's just not fair. I trying to be patient, but my patience is wearing thin. I don't know what to do. It doesn't even feel real to me that he's coming home anymore. Because it's just not happening the way it was supossed to, and I guess that's normal from whatever else has said, but normal doesn't make it fair, or right. Cause it's wrong. We have all waited long enough, just get him home already. I don't like knowing that he's still there, and things seem to be picking back up and getting bad again over there. I find myself constantly worrying, and right now, I'm not even really excited anymore, I'm angry and frustrated. I'm not going to be excited until I know he's out of there for real. Now, I think I understand why he said that he wasn't getting excited until he was on the plane, Now I see his reasoning behind that, and what he meant. Because when things don't happen the way you want them to,or think they're going to happen, it is a big disappointment, and now we have experienced that firsthand unfortuneatly. I don't know why either. I just want to talk to him, and I hope he calls soon. I finished mostly everything I wanted to do before he gets home, still a couple things that I need to get done. Hopefully I'll have everything else finished up tomorrow. Then I can just relax a little and concentrate on my school work, until it's time for him to come home. School is going good. I really am enjoying my social psychology class, math is really hard, and I can tell it's gonna be a struggle for me to get through it, but I'm really working hard at it. The kids will be getting their report cards soon, and I'm anxious to see if rTiffany's grades have come up at all, and also how Dennis's grades are now. I think he might have gotten his first B. In math. I know we can't come down on him about it because a B is still good, but it's hard for me not to be a little disappointed because I know he's capable of more. Yesterday we went to Jessie's for Terra's birthday party, and the day before we went to Chris's house for dinner and then she helped me with Math. I'm just trying to stay as busy as possible while I wait for him to call, or come home. Hopefully I'll hear from him soon. The waiting game is driving me crazy.

2006-01-03T01:43:00.000-05:00

I finally got to talk to him today. It was so good to hear his voice and to know that he was ok. It looks like he'll be home a little earlier than I had thought, and I'm really starting to get excited about him being back home with us. I got together with one of my friends, and starting making welcome home banners for the house, and for the kids to take with us. It was really fun. Finished doing some cleaning around the house, and then Nori came over for a little bit, and hung out with me.Tiffany wrote me a letter today, telling me that she wants to go home, and that she misses everyone in PA. She wants to be back with my mom. I don't know how I feel about that. I know that's really where she belongs, and I can't keep her here when she wants to go back with my mom, but I was used to her being here. So was Denny, and even though she drove me crazy at times, I really enjoyed her being here with us. I guess we'll be taking her back to PA when Allen goes on leave, and we drive up to PA to visit. I just hope everything works out for the best, and that she's happy. That's the most important thing, her happiness and getting to have the life that she deserves. Such a strange mix of emotions going on right now, I don't know how to describe it. The excitment, and nervousness, and the anticipation, and everything is all mixed together. I don't know whether to cry, or be jumping up and down because our turn's finally gonna be here soon. It's hard to put into words the way that I'm feeling, and I know that noone can understand how this feels unless they're going through it. I never thought the day would come when this deployment would be over, and not it's almost here. at times, it's hard to believe, and I feel like it's not real. Like it's not really time yet. And other times, I feel like our time is WAY overdue, and he should have been home along time ago. He seemed to be a little bit more excited about coming home which made me feel good. It hurt my feelings when I would ask him if he was excited, and he would say no. I know that it didn't mean he didn't want to see us, but that's how it made me feel. I guess it goes back to the understanding thing, and not being able to know exactly where he's coming from with all this either. We're going through alot of the same feelings and emotions right now, but also alot of different ones too. I know that I think too much, and I read way to much into things, but I can't help it, that's the type of person I am. I like to know things, and if I don't have an answer to a question in my find, I seek that answer out until I get something. I guess sometimes that's a bad thing because sometimes the answers I come up with, aren't really the right ones. And I always assume the worst. I don't really know why I do that, except maybe to prepare myself in case the worst happens. I don't know what to expect with this situation though. I feel confident that we do have a good marriage, and we will get through this and we'll be just fine, but at times I still am unsatisfied that everything is ok. And I think I will feel that way until he is home, and I can see for myself that everything is in fact fine between us. I don't know why I worry so much, he's a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father. He's done more for me and Denny from 7000 miles away that anyone has ever done for us, and I know that he loves us. Now I'm getting myself back into that rambling stage where my thoughts start getting out of control. I have to stop that before I make myself crazy. He said he might call tomorrow, but honestly, I'm not expecting to hear from him for a few days, at least that's been the pattern lately. WOW, I just can't believe how soon he's gonna be coming home. I'm back to not being able to sleep, or eat, all I think about is him, and having him back at home with us.

2006-01-02T01:34:00.000-05:00

Today went by pretty fast. I spent the whole day cleaning. I got alot done. I went through all kinds of old stuff, and found things I didn't even know we had anymore. I organized a little bit, and then Chris came over with the kids for awhile. She figured out how to get the sound back on Denny's TV. Finally, I can keep him in his own bedroom at night. Just in time for Daddy to be coming home. I can't wait. I still haven't talked to him since Thursday, I'm hoping tomorrow he'll call. But, I know he's busy, and he's doing his best. It seems like so many soldiers are returning home, and I wonder how much longer I have to wait. I have a pretty good idea when he's coming home, but I can't help but hope that it will be sooner. Right now I can't sleep. It's thunderstorming outside, pretty bad. I'm suprised cause it's January, I don't remember the weather being like this last year in January. It's been warm out the past few days, I'm just hoping the temps stay warm for when Allen comes home. I still need to order my books for school. Classes start tomorrow, and normally I would have had all of that ready but I didn't know what to do since I didn't hear anything back from the school about that incident that happened in my last class. I haven't been stressing over it too much though lately, i have too many other things on my mind. I feel like I have so many things to do and get ready for Allen coming home, but when I sit back and think about it, I can't think of much that needs to be done. I guess it's nerves, just wanting everything to be perfect when he gets here. It's been so lonely without him. And I can't wait till he's home with us again.

2006-01-01T02:42:00.000-05:00

Today we finished up moving my friend into her new house. It took us 3 days. I'm sore, and crabby, but at least it gave me something to do to keep busy and make time go by a little faster. I finally talked to Allen on Thursday. He's been really busy still working, and sleeping when he can. I'm so glad it's almost over. I can't wait till he gets home. I hope I hear from him tomorrow or at least sometime in the next day or 2. I know he's trying his best, and it's not his fault that we're not getting to talk as much lately, but sometimes I still can't help feeling that something's wrong. He says everything is fine, and I'm trying my hardest to just believe that and let go of the feelings I'm having that something's not right. I think it's probably just because it's getting closer to him coming home, and I'm afraid that I'm going to disappoint him with the way that I've handled things at home. He says that's not going to happen, and knowing the kind of man he is, I'm sure everything will be fine. It's just that it's been so long, and some of the things he says makes me feel like he's really changed, and maybe I don't know him as well as I used to. I know it's natural for some things to have changed, but not so much that I should feel like I don't know him anymore. It's hard to explain, strange, and a little confusing. I love him more than anything in the world, and I just want everything to be ok. I can't wait until I can be in his arms again, it's gonna feel so good. Just to be able to be with him, and have him in the same house. Sometimes, I look back on this past year and this deployment, and I can't believe it's almost over. But other times it feels like times is standing still waiting and waiting, for him is just as hard as waiting to feel normal after he left. I think the end of this is just as bad as the beginning if not worse. I know the waiting is worse. I just want it to be over. I see so many people coming home, and I want it to be our turn. I know that's selfish, but I've been waiting so long. And so has he. It's time for him to be home, so he can relax, and we can have our family under the same roof again. I don't know what Tiffany's planning on doing, I think she might be going home. She said that she's confused and she doesn't know what to do. I know it has to be hard on her. But, I can't make that decision for her either. She has to be the one to do it. Sometimes, I get so mad at my mom for being the way that they are. It's just not fair. I guess she has some thinking to do. Denny's been doing good. He's getting so excited about Allen coming home, he's driving me crazy asking me all the time how many more days we have. We had fun though tonight. It felt good to relax after everything we've done the past couple days. Nori, Carl, and the kids came over, and Chris and Jessie were here with the kids too. We just hung out and played games for New Year's. I can't believe it's 2006. This is gonna be a GREAT year. mostly because I will have my husband out of danger and safe at home with us. I can't wait. I guess I should get to bed now. I have alot of things to get done in the next couple of days. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-12-29T01:08:00.000-05:00

Today was long, time went by so slow. I still haven't heard anything from Allen. I don't know what to think or what's going on. I hope he calls tomorrow. I found myself really lonely, and really missing him today. I mean I miss him all the time, but today was bad. This lack of communication is really starting to get to me. I know it's not his fault, and if he was able to call he would, but wow. I hope he can call soon. I'm finding myself getting really anxious, and impatient. I just want to hear his voice, just talk to him, and to know that he's ok. I was doing really good, but the longer it goes without contact the harder it gets, and the more my mind wonders. I hope everything's ok. I guess no news is good news. I had another weird dream last night about him coming home. This time he just walked in the door, and I had no idea he was coming. It would be a nice suprise if that actually happened, but I doubt it would. Surely, someone would contact me to let me know he was coming. But either way, that dream along with all the other ones I've been having about him coming home drove me to massive house cleaning today. Not that the house was messy or anything, cause it wasn't but I cleaned out so many things today, just trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of missing him. All I think about anymore is him coming home. It consumes my mind 24/7. I'm really excited, and nervous. He's all I can think about. I get so distracted sometimes thinking about him and how great it's gonna be to have him home again. Today, I had to go on post to get cigarettes, and I actually left the house without Denny. I thought he was in the car, but he wasn't. Luckily I only got to the end of the street before I realized I didn't have him with me. I don't know what I was thinking. Of course I turned around and went back for him. The neighbors must have thought I was crazy. I don't know, I just want him to come home. I've been waiting for so long, I'm just ready for this deployment to be over with, and I'm sure he is too. I still feel selfish for feeling like this, and wanting him here so bad, because he's the one that has it rough right now, not me. I should just be thankful that this is almost over. I love him more than anything, and I'm ready to get back to our life at home together. I hope I can fall asleep tonight. Last night all I did was toss and turn, and I slept with the phone by my head again, just in case he called, I wanted to make sure I heard the phone ring. Well tomorrow's a new day, hopefully I will hear something from him.

2005-12-28T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's getting closer now, and I'm really getting excited. It's gonna feel so good to have him back at home finally. The waiting, and not knowing is killing me. I haven't talked to him since Christmas Eve, and I thought for sure he would have called me today but he didn't. I know that he's probably really busy and just unable to call me, but I can't help but worry, and wonder if he's ok. We haven't been planning out any set days that he'll be calling home, but for some reason I tend to get my heart set on certain days anyways, just going by the way it's been working out. I know that's a bad thing to be doing, because I only get my hopes up and then I'm disappointed when the phone doesn't ring. I'm seeing so many more people's husband's coming home, and I'm really happy for those that have their soldiers back at home. But it still doesn't help me feel better. I want mine home too. I know it's coming, and there's not much longer to go, but this is alot harder than i thought it would be. I'm trying to do my best, and I'm trying to stay as strong as I can, but I feel like I need to hear from him so I can at least relax a little, at least then I will know that he's ok. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. Right now, I just want to hear his voice. I can be so selfish sometimes, and I know that it's wrong. I'm only weeks away from having him back at home, while others are just saying goodbye, and have to go through a whole deployment. I should be happy. Part of me is happy, but part of me is afraid. I don't know what things are gonna be like when he comes home. I'm nervous, and afraid. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't want to be with me? Are we gonna be werid with each other. I have no idea what to expect. I read, and read more information on the affects of deployment to try and get an idea of what to expect. That's only natural for me to do, I'm a thinker. I like to be informed, and I like to try and prepare. But, some of the things I've been reading are scary. They don't seem like they fit us and the way our marriage is. Some of the things I read that happens, seems like those people must have had serious problems in their marriages before the deployment. We didn't have any serious problems in our marriage. I've always thought we had a GREAT marriage, and I'm afraid, what if it's not great anymore? What am I gonna do if I lose him? I just have so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know where to go, or what to do to make myself feel better. I don't want to slip back into the way I was before, but I don't know anymore. I shouldn't even be thinking half of these things, they all seem pretty unrealistic, and deep down I know that he loves me just as much now as he did when he left, so why? Why am I sitting here questioning things that I already know the answer to. Of course everything's gonna be fine when he comes home. Why am I doing this to myself? I think I need to go to bed, try and get some sleep. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow.

2005-12-22T00:52:00.000-05:00

It's almost time
the lonliness will end
He's almost home
in my arm's again

So many feelings
all coming out
Happiness, excitement
worry, and doubt

Wanting him here
more than ever before
Afraid of the unknown
will he want me anymore?

I'm thinking crazy
he loves me I know
But so much time has passed by
Where'd it all go

Yet it feels like forever
since he got on the plane
So many emotions
so much sadness and pain

It's almost over
I keep telling myself
Everything is fine
there's no reason to doubt.

2005-12-22T00:03:00.000-05:00

The end of this deployment is harder than I thought it would be. Everything between me and him is going really good. But, our communications are slowing down, and I'm finding that we are talking less and less. It's hard to get used to not talking to him all the time, after having so many months of everyday communication. I forgot what it felt like to not know what was going on, or when I would hear from him again. I didn't talk to him yesterday or today, it was the day before, and I thought I would hear from him today, but I didn't. I know he's busy, and he's doing his best to find time to talk to me. And I appreciate every chance I get to talk to him. He doesn't seem as excited about coming home as I thought he would be, but I guess it's different for him. I know he needs to keep himself focused, and he still needs to get enough sleep so he's alert. It's just hard right now because I want him to come home so bad, and I have a hard time understanding his level of excitement compared to mine. I have a hard time understanding why he seems so much busier than everyone else. All my friends still talk to their husband's everyday. Most don't get to talk to them on the computer anymore, but they still get phone calls almost everyday. Even if it's just a quick one letting them know they are thought about and still missed. He's been WONDERFUL throughout this whole deployment as far as communication goes, and I know that when he has the chance he will call me,I just feel bad that he's so much busier than alot of other people are right now. As far as I know he's still working really hard, and trying to get everything done that he needs to do so that he can come home. I can't wait to see him, it's gonna feel so good to have him home with us again. Denny's getting really excited too. He talks about it all the time, and asks at least once a day how many more days we have to go before daddy is home. the closer it gets the more excited I'm getting, but I'm also getting more nervous and scared. I don't know what to expect, and it's fear of the unknown that worries me. He says everything will be the same as before but I know that it's not gonna be. A year is a long time, and I'm sure we've both changed. Add that in with everything that he's been through over there, and I have no idea what things will be like. I just want our life back, and I want everything to feel normal again.

2005-12-10T12:37:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything feels like it's going downhill. He won't talk to me now. We got into an argument yesterday, and it was totally my fault because I said something really stupid to him. I've been so stressed out lately with everything that's been going on for me with school. I took it out on him, and it was so unfair. And now I ruined everything. My whole life is ruined. We're almost done with this deployment, and I feel like I don't even have a husband anymore. I know that's silly, but that's how I've been feeling lately. I Know that I can type this cause as far as I know he doesn't even read this thing anymore. There's alot of things that are different now. He used to always keep me up to date on what was going on over there with him. Now, I have NO IDEA, and I haven't known anything for at least a month or more. He used to keep the emails I sent to him in his inbox, now he just deletes them, and puts them in the trash. It's like my feelings don't even matter anymore. I feel terrible, and everything is falling apart. I've got so many things going on with school, who knows if I'll even be able to stay in school. It's stupid, and I'm gonna fight it, but I shouldn't have to because I didnt' do ANYTHING wrong. I have a homework assignment that's due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet. I know it's my grade and I'm only hurting myself, but why should I sit here and do all that work if I'm not gonna get credit for it anyways. The whole thing is pissing me off, and stressing me out to the point I can't sleep, I can't eat cause when I do I get sick. The kids are about to get out of school for winter break, and I know I should take them to PA for the holidays, but I don't even feel like doing anything for the holidays. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. He'll be home soon, and part of me is excited and part of me is scared to death. I know this should be a happy time for us, but I really think I'm gonna lose him. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I can't tell him how I'm feeling, because that makes him mad, because he doesn't understand why I feel like this. I try to explain it but it always ends up coming out the wrong way, and then the fight gets bigger. I don't know anymore what to do. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. I love him more than anything, and our marriage is the most important thing to me, and I hate to see everything falling apart but I see it. I wish he could see it too, so we can fix it. Maybe he does, but he doesn't want to say anything until he gets home. He used to never want me to get a job, and now he does. Sometimes I wonder why he changed his mind on that too. Is it because he plans on divorcing me when he gets home? Or is it simply because the extra money would help. He gets mad at me when I over think things and analyze them, but right now I have no choice, He tells me everything is fine, but I can clearly see that things are not fine. I don't understand what is happening or why it's happening. And why now, we made it through almost a whole year of seperation, just for everything to fall apart at the end. I can't talk to my friends about any of this either. They all have enough to deal with. I feel so alone, and the one person I need more than anything right now, just isn't there. He used to always keep me updated on things, not anymore. He used to always tell me when he was gonna be online to talk to me. I almost always knew at least an approximate time. Now I know nothing. I feel like he just doesn't feel the need to tell me anything anymore, and I don't understand why. This just isn't him either. I married a very sensitive, loving man, and he's always been so thoughtful and considerate of me and my feelings, and now I can't even talk to him about them anymore because he doesn't seem interested in hearing about them. He gets so defensive, and then it all gets turned around into me making a big deal out of nothing. But that's not what is it. There's something else going on, I just wish I knew what it was and how to make it stop. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm confused. I always thought we had a GREAT marriage, and we've always been able to communicate so easily with each other. What has happened. I just want my husband back, and I just want our life back. I feel like it's been taken away from me. I know sometimes I do over react, and I hold on to the hurt I've experienced in my past, and he's not that man. He's not like them. But I'm having a hard time completly letting my guard down, because everytime I do, that's when I get hurt. I feel like throwing up right now, I feel so sick because I don't know what to think about any of this. I don't know what to do. He gets upset because I need to be reassured that everything's ok, but I can't help that. I can't control my feelings, or my emotions, I haven't been trained to do that. Everything inside of me just comes out, and no matter what I try to do to stop thinking about it, and just relax, the worse it gets. I know for him right now is a very busy time, and he's also under alot of stress. i just pray that the stress he's under is what's causing things to be the way they have been lately. I almost feel like I should have a back up plan. And I wonder sometimes what me and Denny will do if he comes home and doesn't want to be with me anymore. What if I've ruined everything. I know it's so wrong to think that. Because it would take a very cold hearted person to do something like that to their wife and child, and that's just not him. He's not that type of person. At least he wasn't. I feel like I don't even know him anymore, and I feel like I have to carefully take little baby steps with everything I do or say anymore. I'm wrong. Everything I do is wrong. Then he tells me that I don't have any confidence. Well, I have confidence. Not right now though because I have no fucking clue what is going on in our marriage. Of course I'm not gonna be confident about it when it feels like it's falling apart. What am I supossed to be happy, and act as if everything's normal. Because I can't. I can't act like everything's normal and I can't be happy when things are this way. When I can see there's something wrong. Why won't he just talk to me and tell me what it is. He won't even respond to the email I sent him last night, and I know he checked it too. It's in the trash, and once again, my feelings got brushed aside. He didn't even acknowledge that I emailed him. Still hasn't gotten online to talk to me., or even sent me a response. Now i'm afraid that he's not gonna talk to me anymore while he's gone, because he told me before that he wasn't going to. And when we do talk, he seems so distracted like he doesn't even feel lke talking to me. He's not at fault here. He's a good husband, and a good father. But I'm not totally to blame for this either.I guess I have no choice but to wait it out, and see how things go. I just hope I still have a husband.

2005-11-23T17:42:00.000-05:00

Things have been ok for me, really busy, but ok. I went to PA on the 12th for my brother's wedding, it was really nice. The weekend was really rushed and busy because we only had 2 days in PA. It was nice to see my family, and I got to spend some time with Allen's parents, his sisters, neice and her kids. It was really nice seeing them, and getting to spend some time with them. I even took them to my aunt's house so that they could talk to him, and see him on the webcam. It was nice. I know he enjoyed being able to see and hear them, since it's been so long. I can't wait till Allen gets home and our life will finally feel normal again. But at the same time, I'm nervous, and scared about the way things will be. We had a really interesting conversation last night, and he said some things to me that I never would have expected to come from him, but they did, and it kinda hurt. I know that it's the truth and sometimes the truth can hurt. I'm glad he was honest with me, but deep down inside it still hurt. I can't understand though why he reacted the way he did to a situation that doesn't even have anything to do with me and him. Which leads me to believe that there's more to the story that I don't know yet. I don't know what lies are being said about me, and who's saying what, but for him to react the way he did, and to say that he doesn't want to discuss it with me on the phone or over the computer tells me that there has to be more to this than what he's saying to me. I just wish I knew what it was. Everything was so good until people start talking and making up lies because they are unhappy with their own lives, or for whatever reason they're talking about me now. I don't understand. O-well I'm not gonna let it bother me too much cause i know the truth, and that's really all that matters. I just want everything to be back to normal, and that's it.

2005-10-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

I started my classes today. I got pretty much work done, and I can already tell that this class is gonna be a challenge. it's gonna take alot of effort on my part to learn this programming language. But, I know I can do it, and the more work I have, the busier I stay, the faster time will go by the faster he comes home to me. I miss him so much, and it just seems like it's getting harder and harder to get through this. I know that it's because it's coming closer to the end. We had a nice talk about it yesterday. It made me feel better that I was able to express my concerns and fears to him, and he reassured me that everything was gonna be ok. I knew all along that it would be, but I guess at the same time I'm still a little scared. I'm scared of how things will be between us. I don't know how he's gonna be. It's gonna be such a drastic change for him going from being a soldier in the desert for all this time, back to being a husband and father at home. I have faith in him though that he'll be able to get back into home and family mode without too much trouble. After all, he's continued to be the most wonderful husband and father since he left in January. So he's always been able to be in family mode. Only once he gets home he will be able to relax a little bit more. I just don't know what to expect. I know he's been through alot, and I just want to be supportive towards him and any of his needs. I'm trying my best now, as I have done through this whole deployment. I can't wait to have him back home with me and our son. We miss him more than anything, and I'm just ready for our life to be normal again. We won't have to live our lives through the computer anymore, and I'll be able to talk to him, to touch him, and to be in his arms whenever I want. And being in his arms again is gonna be the best feeling in the world. It's a feeling I've missed so much. I still cry. I would have thought by now that i wouldn't cry as much anymore. But it's actually harder. I feel closer to how I was feeling in the beginning of this than I imagined i would. I'm just gonna try and focus on school, the kids, the house, and getting everything ready for when he comes home. Between all of that and the holidays coming up I'm hoping time goes by fast.
We carved pumpkins with the kids today, and I got into a pumpkin guts fight with Jessi. It was fun. It would have been much better if Allen could have been there to see it, but I made sure to take lots of pictures so he could see what we did. Denny and Tiffany both did a good job, but they quit carving their's about halfway through. I ended up having to finish their's. Tiffany's friend was a big help though. I'm glad she's making friends. The ones she's been hanging out with lately seem like really good kids, for a change. Her grades are coming up, and her attitude seems to be getting better too. i just hope she stays on the right track. Time for bed, tomorrow's gonna be an early day. Back to school with the kids, and more school work for me too. It's gonna be so nice to get a wakeup call from Allen again in the morning. I always look forward to those. It makes me feel good to wake up and hear his voice.

2005-10-21T22:59:00.000-05:00

Everything's going good. I finally got to talk to him today. i talked to him yesterday, but then he wasn't able to get back online until tonight to talk to me. It was GREAT to hear his voice, and to know that he was safe. I miss him so much, and I can't wait till he gets home. I was so worried about him, I didn't get much sleep last night. The end of this deployment can't get here fast enough. I'm just ready for it to be done, and him to be back in my arms again.
I only have a couple more days before I start school again. I'm really excited to get back into it. It's gonna be a challenge but it'll be worth it. I'm just so ready for our life to get back to normal again. I miss everything. I miss his sillyness, his smile, his laugh. The way he looks at me. The way my body feels when I'm in his arms. I miss hugging him, and kissing him. I miss cooking for him, and i miss doing his laundry. Picking his dirty clothes up off of the floor. I miss everything. and I want it back. I know it's coming soon. Well not soon, but it won't be too much longer. I still don't know how the holidays are gonna be for us this year. I know I need to be in as good of a mood as I can be for Denny but it's gonna be so hard to see the holidays are happy when half of our family is on the other side of the world. I hope I get to talk to him soon. He's supossed to call me in the morning. I guess I need to go to sleep. Allen told me not to stay up on the computer all night long. He's the most wonderful husband in the world, and I'm so lucky that he's all mine.

2005-10-17T22:15:00.000-05:00

Things have been going good and everything seems back to normal. Allen called me this morning and woke me up. It felt GREAT to hear his voice when I got out of bed. I don't know if he realizes how much little things like that mean to me. I know there's times he can't call, but when he does, it makes my whole day better. Hearing his voice when I wake up helps me realize that he is gonna be ok. I know that sometimes I over react, but sometimes I don't think he understands how things are for me, just as I have no way of ever knowing how they must be for him. I just want him to be safe. I want him to come home to me. I get scared when I know he's out on missions, but when I hear from him it makes it so much easier not to worry. I'm just glad things feel normal for us again. We won the soccer game again today, 4-1. We're 3-1 so I guess we have a pretty good team this season. The kids played really good, and Denny almost got a coupel goals today too. He's doing so good. We went to the store after the game, he wanted to spend some of his money. He got some more Army toys, lol. That's all he wants to get anymore. If it's not a new video game, it's an Army toy. He misses his daddy so much. And i know he's getting just as anxious as I am that Allen's coming home soon. I can't wait for the day that he's back at home with us again. It just sucks that we still have a little while to go. I hope the time goes by fast. I know I'll be busy with school, and the rest of soccer season. Then the holidays are coming. I don't know whether or not the holidays is gonna be a good time for me or not. I'm trying to think of it in a positive way because once the holidays are over it'll be almost time for Allen to come home. But at the same time, i think they're gonna suck because our family can't be together. I want Allen to be here with us, so that our family is complete again, but I know that's not gonna happen so I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up. He just got online to talk to me again. that's 3 times today. I'm so happy. I don't and never did expect him to call me 3 times a day, but the more I hear from him the happier I am, and the easier it makes things for me. He seems a little tired tonight, as he should be. I know he must have worked hard today, as he does everyday. But he said he'll call me again in the morning. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE my morning wake up calls from the man that I love. My wonderful husband, the most AMAZING man in the world. Turns out that I was being stupid all along about us not talking, and I was thinking a bunch of crazy thoughts for no reason. I wasn't taking into consideration the time difference between us. So when he said he was doing other things like playing playstation, and watching movies, I thought he was doing those things, and telling me he didn't have time to talk. I know he's not that type of a person, and he would talk to me any chance he got. that's why I couldn't figure out what was wrong. It turns out he's doing these things in the middle of the night while I'm in bed asleep, and by the time I wake up he's busy with work stuff. I can't believe I was so stupid.

2005-10-12T23:04:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day. I got to talk to Allen alot this morning, for a couple hourse. We didn't fight at all, and it seems like everything is finally back to normal. We had a soccer game today, we won 8-0. It was a great game. I wish Allen could have been there to see it. I know he would have been proud of the way Denny played if he could have seen it. Denny lost another tooth today. just in time for soccer pictures. I can't believe how much he's grown and changed in the past 9 months that Allen's been gone. I can't wait till he comes home and sees how big our son has gotten. He sees him on the webcam and talks to him on the computer, but I can't wait to see the excitement on both of their faces when they can see each other in person again. I know I can't wait to have him home. I'm already getting excited.I've been excited. It seems like the time is going by a little slow, but it's still moving anyways, and I guess it'll be over before we know it, and he'll be home again, and we'll finally be able to be a family under the same roof.
I'm starting back with school. Class starts on the 24th. I'm really excited to get back into it. I've been out way to long already. Even though it's been since June, it feels like it's been much longer than that.
I've been waiting to talk to him again all day. I know he was gonna be out on the road somewhere, and that still scares me. You'd think by now I would be used to him telling me that he was gonna be on the road over there. But I'm not. I still get just as scared now as I did the first time he had to go. I hate it, and I can't wait till it's over with. I just want him home, and safe again. He said that he would im me as soon as he got back, and I haven't heard anything yet. I know that he couldn't have made it back yet because he definately would have gotten a hold of me, but i'm getting worried cause i didn't think it would take so long. I hope everything's ok. It's so stressful, and scary to worry like this, but I try to stay positive and keep focused on his abilites as a soldier because that eases my mind a little bit, but it's so had. I just hope that I hear from him soon, and I hope he's ok. I don't know how i would be able to go on if something happened to him. I don't even want to think about that. I just want to know he's ok.

2005-10-11T15:08:00.000-05:00

He emailed me, and now i understand exactly why he's been acting this way. Well, I'm at least trying to. I didn't realize how busy he was getting over there, and how many things he was dealing with right now. He's just as stressed as I am, probably more stressed, and he's trying his best. I've been so selfish and I've been so wrong. He does everything for me that he can, and he goes out of his way to make sure that I feel as good as I can about this whole deployment. I think sometimes, I forget where he is, because we get to talk so often, and he gets to watch tv sometimes, and do other stuff too. When he has free time. Sometimes for me, it feels like he's still in the states somewhere, and he's safe. But in reality he's not. He's still far from home, fighting everyday to make sure he comes home to us. And I can't believe I got so selfish, and I can't believe I was having such crazy thoughts. I mean he's reassured me over and over again that things are fine between us, and that they always will be, I don't know why I let myself dwell on the negative things I was thinking and turn them into crazy thoughts. I know he would never cheat on me, and I know he would never lie to me. He truly is the most wonderful, most amazing man in the world. From here on out, through the rest of this deployment and always I'm not ever going to doubt what he says again. I've learned my lesson this time. I LOVE HIM more than I could ever explain, and I can't wait for him to be home so I can feel whole again,

2005-10-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

Today started off terrible. I don't know what I'm doing to my marriage. I can't shake the feelings that I've been having that there's something going on. We got in a HUGE fight again today. This time he hung up on me and signed off of the computer. He told me he'll im me when he feels like it, and that if I didn't like it that was just too bad. This isn't my husband, this isn't the man I married. He's not being himself right now, and these mood swings, i don't know where they're coming from or why they keep happening, but I can't take much more of this. I don't want to lose him and I'm so afraid that I'm going too. We can't get through the rest of this deployment fighting. It's so tempting to try and talk to him, and I evern had to take one of my anxiety pills today over this. I haven't taken any of them in months, and i don't want to slip back to being that person I was a few months ago, struggling to get through each day without him. I've finally found my inner strength to get through this, and now it feels like it's gonna go back to the way it was before with me. I don't want to do this, like this. I don't want to fight, I just want to understand. I just want this whole thing to be over with and I just want him home so our life can be normal again.

2005-10-09T19:32:00.000-05:00

Today went pretty good. My back is feeling better today. I got to talk to Allen but only for a couple minutes. He was out on the road and was tired when he got back. I could hear it in his voice. Everything is going good with us, and I think we're past whatever was going wrong the past couple of weeks at least I hope so. I can't lose him, and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that our marriage survives. I never saw us as one of the couples that can't survive a deployment. We've always been able to communicate well with each other, and be totally honest with each other about everything. I know that everything will be ok. But for some reason, he's had much more idle time on the computer ever since my almost breakdown. He's been idle everytime that I thought he should have been, whichs makes me feel good. But I still can't help wondering why all of the sudden it seems to be working perfectly fine, when it wasn't working before. Just makes me feel even more sure that there was something funny going on. I'm not saying he was talking to someone else on the computer because I really don't believe he would EVER do something like that to me. I'm just saying maybe he was online doing something else, and didn't feel like talking. i don't know what it could have been. i really don't have any idea, but either way I'm glad that it's gone. I love him to much, and our marriage means to much to me to have anyone or anything cause us problems, or tear us apart. I just won't let it happen. And I know he won't either. he should be getting back online to talk to me again soon. I hope he gets enough sleep. He sounded so tired earlier. I really was feeling like I was losing him, and things for us seemed to be going downhill fast. i didn't like that at all. That's not us, that's not our marriage, and I'm just happy that I got my husband back to the man he's always been, and I don't have anything to worry about anymore.

2005-10-08T18:23:00.000-05:00

today was a little better, my back's not hurting as bad. me and allen got into another fight though, about the stupid computer and his idle time not matching the things he's telling me. Well it actually started with a stupid message I left for him that said "hmmmm I see you're invisible again" I didn't mean anything by it, just thought maybe he was hiding from someone, not neccasarily me, but he still got mad about it and told me that when i say things like that it makes him feel uneasy. he doesn't like it, because it makes it seem like I'm trying to accuse him of something. I can kinda understand his point on that, and maybe it does sound like that. He keeps telling me that the computer must be messed up or something, and that he isn't online except to talk to me, or if he happens to be playing a game, which isn't very often. The only reason I feel like there's more to it, and something weird's going on is because it's been recently. Only the past 2 weeks or so. And in that same 2 week time frame there's been other things that have felt weird. We haven't had alot to say to each other. I usually end up doing most of the talking. he doesn't seem as interested in our conversations, and he hasn't been the same loving husband that left me to go back in June. I mean he's still loving, as he's always been, just doesn't seem as concerned about putting in as much effort as he used to. He's been forgetting to call me in the morning. Well,. sleeping in actually, but either way. He used to never do that. He always made sure he called me in the morning no matter how tired he was. Even if we didn't talk he still took the time to make sure I was awake. I just don't know what has changed. I will eventually get to the bottom of this. Our marriage is more important to me than anything else, so I will figure it out. I'm not gonna dwell on it though, and I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's still hard to shake the feeling I get that something's going on. It's a feeling I've had before, not with him, but others, and this feeling has NEVER been wrong. it's just something you know.

2005-10-07T22:08:00.000-05:00

Everything feels like it's falling apart again. Me and Allen got in a huge fight today on the computer. His friends were in the background yelling stuff. It hurt really bad. I don't want his friends to hate me. They don't even know me and they kept telling him to hang up on me and stuff. Telling him to just hang up and call me tomorrow, that he didn't need to deal with this shit. It hurt because he just let them sit there and talk about me. He didn't say a word to them about it. If that was my friends I would have said something to stick up for him, but he didn't and it really hurt. It made me feel like he didn't care that they were sitting there talking about me. I had a horrible day. One of the worst days since he left in January. maybe that's why I was taking everything so personal today.
I already had a pulled muscle from coaching Denny's soccer team, and all the extra exercise I've been doing. I thought it was healed, but I guess it wasn't. I tried to run in the 5K run on post today. I did it. I made it through the whole thing, and even ran more of it than I thought I could. But I'm paying for it now. About 3 hours after I got home, I'm sitting here completely unable to move. I'm babysitting, so there's 5 kids in my house, and I'm in so much pain I can't do anything. I feel completly helpless, and all I want is Allen, but he can't be here. It's so hard to be without him today. This is one of the days that I have needed him the most. One of the times when I have felt the lonliest. And he didn't have to go out on the road at all today, so I thought since he knew I wasn't feeling good that he would have gotten a hold of me earlier but he didn't. He was off doing other things. I don't have a problem with that I want him to have some fun while he's there, and I NEVER expected him to feel like he needed to devote every single minute of his free time to me, but I just really needed him today.
He did call me, but it wasn't until 7:00pm and by then I had reached the point in my day where I just was fed up with everything, I had enough. I felt horrible, and all I wanted was him. We ended up getting into a big fight. And it hurt. I said alot of things I didn't mean to say, and I know it hurt him. He tries so hard, and does so much for me. Sometimes I don't know what makes my mind think crazy things. I know that nothing's going on, and I trust him 100% but weird stuff has been happening with his screen name. He stays available and doesn't go idle even though he's telling me that he's going to bed, and that he's not touching the computer. He's showing as invisible to me but he's saying he's really signed off. I want to believe him I really do, but at the same time, there's a small part of me that can't help wonder if he's lying to me. I know that makes it sound like I doubt him, but I honestly don't. I think that maybe sometimes, he just doesn't want to talk, so he lies about things to make me feel good, so it doesn't hurt my feelings. Either way that's wrong. I just want to be told the truth, and I can't help feeling uneasy about some of the things that have been going on lately. I know things will be ok, and we're gonna get through this. There's not much longer to go. But why does all this stuff have to happen now when we're almost at the end of this nightmare of a deployment.

2005-09-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day. Didn't do to much, spent 6 hours cleaning denny's room and didn't even get it finished. I can't sleep tonight. Thinking about Allen, and wishing he was home. I miss him so much. I can't believe what the end of this deployement is doing to me. Everything's good, but it's a feeling that's so hard to describe. I want him home more than anything, and I can finally see the end of this deployment, something I never though we'd see. But I know that we still have a little while before he's actually home. I try not to get too excited about it because it's to soon to get like that, but I can't help it. I just want him here with me.
I want things back to normal, and I want our family back. It feels like it's all been ripped away from us. It just doesn't seem fair. Why does it have to be for so long. I could handle it alot easier if it wasn't so long. I didn't realize what this would feel like. But it's definately hard. I just hope the next deployment isn't a year. And it's too soon to be thinking about the next one too, but I just want to be prepared. I thought I was ready for what this one would bring, but I wasn't. No matter how much time we spent preparing, it wasn't enough. I don't know if there's ever enough preparing for something like this.
There's been alot of positive things that have come out of this though too. It's not all negative. I think our marriage has gotten alot stronger, and it seems like we're closer than ever. And to me that's really important. I've always known we were meant to be together but now I can see it a little clearer. He's everything to me. And I can't wait till he's back home.

Missing You

2005-09-27T00:24:00.000-05:00

I miss you more and more
each and everyday
Even though I can't touch you
In my heart you always stay

A little piece of you walks beside me
in everything I do
If you could only know
Just how much I still need you

We're seperated by distance
But closer in our hearts
Time goes by slowly
Everyday that we're apart

I long for the day
That you're back home with me
But until that day is here
Missing you is everything.

2005-09-27T00:07:00.000-05:00

When I see you, with that look in your eyes
It makes me miss you even more, alone I sit and cry.
How long can this go on, how much more can I take
My body's growing tired, but my heart will always wait.

Until the day you're back
Home and in my arms
I will wait forever baby
Please stay away from harm

I know we will make it
Our Love will see us through
But until your back at home
My world stays dark, and blue

So please be careful
I need you.....

2005-09-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day, i didn't do to much except for clean. We had soccer practice today. It went good, we played against the kids, they really enjoyed it, and we really got a good workout. I've been feeling alot better about myself since I've been getting more exercise. I have more energy, and I can feel myself getting into better shape. I just want to look as good as I can when Allen gets home. I really miss him, and I just want our life to be normal again.
I just got done talking to him on the computer. We talked for awhile tonight, and I cried again. I don't know why, but I find myself crying more lately when I talk to him. It seems like it's getting hard again. But hard in a different way. I can at least function normally now, and I'm not feeling like a crazy person anymore. But, I'm so lonely. I want my husband back. I want our family together again. I'm tired, and I'm really starting to hate this deployment. I never liked it to begin with, but lately, I really don't like it. It seems like more things are happening over there again, and I'm worrying more again. I know he's gonna be ok. He promised me that he would and I know he'd never break a promise. But, it's still so hard not to worry. We've got 8 and a half months of this hell over with, so we don't have that long to go. I know that these last couple months are gonna be hard, because the excitement is building, and I just want him home, but I also know that I'll be busier with soccer, and excersing. At least my new obsession with exercise is healthier than worrying, and acing like a crazy person all the time. It's occupying some time, it makes me feel better because I look better, and it will make Allen happy when he gets home, and sees me. And that's all I care about is his happiness. Well, and mine and Denny's too. It's just gonna feel so good to have him back home again. I can't wait.

2005-09-24T17:27:00.000-05:00

Today has been one of those days. I don't really feel like doing anything. I want to talk to Allen so bad, but I can't, he's not online. I hope he's ok, I hate when this happens. I sit here and all I can do is worry about him, and if he's safe or not. I want to hear his voice so bad right now. I haven't talked to him at all today. All I did was go to soccer practice and come home. There hasn't been really anything to do, or anything I feel like doing. I don't know anymore. I just want him to come home. I want this deployment to be done with. I hate whining and complaining about it, but it seems like it's taking forever, and times going by so slow. i don't know if part of it is because I haven't talked to him yet today, or if it's just because I know we only have a couple more months to go before he's back at home with us again. But, I want it now. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want to be able to touch him again, and fall asleep in his arms. I want to wake up next to him, and feel safe again. I want everything. I want our life back. I feel like it's been taken away from us, and I'm left here to deal with everything, and wait for him. I mean I know that he deals with alot more than I do, and that in alot of ways I'm the lucky one. He's the one in danger, and he's the one that has to suffer the most. He misses out on so many things going on at home. It just doesn't seem fair that he has to be gone, and away from us for so long. I just can't wait till he's home.

2005-09-16T13:51:00.000-05:00

Everything has been going great for us now. The deployment is becomming easier to deal with finally. It's still frustrating in a different way than it was in the beginning. Now, it's getting a little closer to the end, and the day he'll be back home with us seems within our reach. It's making patience wear thin, cause I'm so ready for us to get our life back. I'm so ready for him to come home, and be a regular family under the same roof again. I've been waiting, and I'll continue to wait and do the best that I can, but I really just want him to come home. I think knowing that we only have a couple more months or so to go, is making it harder to deal with, because the excitment and anticipation is building up. He seems to be doing good now, too. I was a little worried about him about a week ago though, he seemed so down, and depressed. He seems ready to get out of there and be home again too. I can only imagine what it's like for him. I'm just glad the end of this deployment is almost here.
Denny's been doing good now in school, and Tiffany's working on it. She had a little bit of a rough start, but she's coming around. I'm still not back in school yet, but I'm hoping to get the mess straightened out with the school, so that I can get back into my classes. I want to get my studying back on track.
The house got broken into when we went to PA over labor day. Luckily we weren't home, and not much was taken. What made me so mad was the stuff that was taken was Denny's. I don't know what's going on with that, or if the guys that did it will be caught. I'm not worried about the stuff they took, I just don't want them to do it to anyone else. That was the worst feeling. Coming home and seeing the house like that. Knowing that someone was in our house, and going through our stuff made me feel sick. I can't explain, and I didn't realize how bad of a feeling that was. I'm just thankful that it wasn't any worse, cause it could have been.
I'm finally went to the dentist, and I go back again next week. With all the work I need done, I know it's probably gonna take awhile for it to be finished, but it will be worth it when it's done. I'll feel alot better. I just hate having to be in pain from them messing around in there. Good thing it only hurts the day the work is done, and maybe a day or so afterwards.
I just want everything to be done, and in order around the house by the time he comes home. I want everything to be perfect. Even though, I know there's really no way for it to be perfect I still want to make it as good as I can.

2005-08-17T20:54:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty boring day. I didn't do very much. I got to talk to Allen today again. That was the best part of the day. I went shopping and got 2 more cd's for us. My mom left to go visiting and won't be back until Monday. They took Tiffany with them, and Denny's spending the night at one of his friends. Tonight, I'm completely alone, and more than anything I want Allen here with me. I really miss him tonight. I miss him every minute of everyday, but tonight more than anything. I just want him home. The house is so quiet, you'd think it would be a great night for me to relax, but it's not. I can't relax for some reason. It's too quiet. Not enough noise around. It feels so strange not having anyone here with me tonight. I wasn't gonna let Denny stay at his friends because it's a school night, but he was good for me today, and as long as it was ok with his friend's mom, then I agreed to it. We'll see how it goes, and if he gives her any problems or trouble getting up in the morning then I won't let him stay over on a week night anymore.
I'm a little worried about my mom and jerry they should have been there by now, and they haven't made it and no one's heard from them. I hope everything's going ok on the road for them.
Allen should be getting online soon, I hope so anyways, I really want to talk to him. I talked to him 2 times already today but I'm so lonely right now, I want to hear his voice.

2005-08-16T22:30:00.000-05:00

Today was a rough day. I had minor surgery, thankfully everything went well. I was worried and I know Allen was worried too. I wish he could have been here, and I know he does too. But, it was nice to atleast have my mom here with me. I needed someone here today. The medicine they gave me, made me really tired when it wore off, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm sore but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I can't wait till everything's healed up, and I can feel back to normal again.
Allen was wonderful through all of it. He called me before I left, and called a couple times during the day to check on me. He even sent me flowers, balloons, a teddy bear, and a card. It felt great. It really cheered me up, and brought him a little closer to me, on a day that I really wanted him here with me. I just wanted him to hold me, and tell me everything was ok. I miss being in his arms so much, and it still feels sometimes like he's gonna be gone for so long. But I know now that everything's gonna be ok, and we are gonna get through this deployment together. We've been going good so far. We had a rough start to it all, but things are finally looking up, and beginning to feel like it's not impossible to get through this.
My mom's leaving tomorrow, but they're coming back by Monday or Tuesday and spending next week here with me and Denny. It's been nice having them here. And I can't wait till they get back, and I can take them to the beach, and to see the rest of what's around here.

2005-08-12T21:37:00.000-05:00

I got alot of things done around the house today. The new furniture was finally delievered, and I LOVE the way the house looks. I got to talk to Allen today, and he's doing good. I'm glad he's feeling better about the house and everything too. We kicked out the annoying room mate finally. She was helping around here at first, but then it seemed like she was just taken advantage of the situation, and talking about things behind my back. It was hard for me at first because she's pretty much been with me since she was 12 yrs old, but I realize it was for the best. She needs to grow up, and learn responsibilty, We tried to help her, but it got to the point that she wasn't helping herself anymore, and it seemed like she wasn't going anywhere with her life. It was almost like having another child to take care of. It really wasn't fair to me, Allen, or to Denny to deal with all of that.
My mom's on here way down here to visit. I'm glad I got everything in the house in order before they got here. I'm excited. This is the first time anyone has come to visit us since we moved here. Dennys excited too. I wish I knew what time they were planning on getting here, so I wouldn't have to stay awake till they call. I can finally see things going the way that I wanted them to go. We're doing so much better with everything. I realized I have to take control over Denny and this household while Allen's gone. I'm so thankful that he's been as helpful and understanding through all of this as his is. I couldn't ask for anything more. I miss him so much, and I long for the day he'll be home with us again. But, we're getting through this and doing good with it finally.

2005-08-09T20:45:00.000-05:00

Today was another good day. I got alot of things done around the house, so I feel better about that. Denny acted up again in the morning before school. I really don't know what to do with his attitude anymore. Allen has be wonderful about everything. He's been calling in the morning before school to make sure we're awake, and it's helping with Denny alot. Probably more than he realizes. The things he does for me, and for Denny. I can't thank him enough for being such a wonderful husband and father. He goes out of his way all the time to make sure we're ok, and he does more than I could ever ask for or expect as far as me and Denny go. He tries so hard to make things as easy as possible for us. I feel bad about it sometimes cause he already has so many things to deal with over there. I feel like he shouldn't have to deal with things that are going on at home, but I know he wants to, and I'm sure it makes him feel better to know that he's helping take care of things at home even though he's so far away. I just can't wait till he's home, and we can all be together again. That's gonna be the best day of my life. Just to be able to touch him, and hold him again. I want to fall asleep in his arms, and wake up with him beside me. I miss that so much. But, I also realize that this is something that we have to do, and I'd do it 100 more times, because I love him more than anything in the world. It's alot easier now that he has internet in his room, and we get to talk so much. He should be getting online again sometime soon when he gets back from being out on the roads over there again. I can't wait to hear his voice so that I know he's safe, and everything's ok again.

2005-08-07T21:38:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day, I didn't really do anything, but I did get to talk to him most of the day today. It felt GREAT to be able to spend time with him, even if it was just on the computer, I could still see him, and hear his voice. I miss him so much, and I can't wait till he comes home. I know it's still months away, but now that I'm feeling better, and we get to talk mostly everyday at some point, the time should go by alot fast than it did in the beginning. I can't wait till he's back online again. That's all I think about. Him. He's the most important person in my life. Him, and Denny. I don't know what I would do without the 2 of them. They are everything to me. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband who always takes the time to make sure that everything at home is ok, even though right now he's so far away. Now if I could just get Denny to listen to me and stop throwing fits in the morning for school, and at night going to bed. I don't know why he's been like this lately, but I wish I could get it to stop. It hurts so bad when he acts that way. I try so hard to make sure that he has a good life while Allen's gone. We both try with him, but I'm running out of things to do. It's not getting any easier as far as his behavior goes, and I just don't know what to do with him anymore.

2005-08-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

I got to talk to him this morning, I hope everything's going ok for him out on the road today/ I always worry about him when he's out on the road over there. It's always a relief when he gets back and im's me to let me know he's safe. Him having the internet in his room is making this deployment alot easier, and the time's going by a little faster. I've been busy the past couple days, getting things for the house, and paying a bunch of bills. It's such a relief to be able to take care of all this stuff that's been stressing me out during the deployment. I feel 100% better, and I know he does too.
Denny's first couple of days at school went good, he likes his teacher and he's already making friends in his class. I'm so glad he's doing well. He hasn't been giving me any problems in the morning getting ready either, hopefully it stays that way. My mom will be coming down here to visit soon, so I have alot of things I want to have done around the house before she gets here. I don't know if I'll be able to get everything done that I want to have done before they get here. I hope so. Everything's been going good, now that I'm feeling better the deployments doesn't seem as difficult to get through. He'll be home soon. I just hope the time keeps going by fast.

2005-08-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

It's storming outside right now, pretty bad. So far we've been lucky and the power hasn't gone out. I hope it doesn't cause Allen should be coming online soon. I only talked to him for a few minutes this morning. He was thoughtful enough to im me and let me know I wouldn't hear from him until tonight. He's always so considerate of my feelings, and he knows how much I would be worried if he hadn't let me know I wouldn't hear from him. I hope everything's ok out there on the road for him.
I had a pretty good day again. I went to my doctor appointment, it went well. I can't wait to let Allen know how it went, so that he's not worried about me. He said everything would be fine, but I know in the back of his mind he had to be at least a little worried.
We just got back from Chris's a little while ago, and ate dinner. Denny was planning on going back down to play with the kids until it started storming. Right now he's in the bedroom with me hiding under the covers. He's scared of the thunder and lightning, and we lost our satelite signal from the storm so he can't watch TV. I hope he doesn't fall asleep in here tonight. Then I'll have to leave him in here cause he's too heavy to pick up and carry to his room.
I hope he gets online soon, it's always reassuring to hear from him, and know that he's safe. I miss him so much, and I can't wait till he can be home with us again. I miss falling asleep next to him, and waking up in his arms. I miss everything. But soon, this deployment will be over with and we can have our family under the same roof again. I can't wait for that day to get here. Sometimes it feels like he's been gone for so long, and other times it seems like time is flying by. Another month is gone, only a couple more to go.

2005-08-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

I didn't really do much today, but it was a good day for me. I got to talk to him for awhile, and was even able to get him to talk to his parents through the computer and the phone. It made me feel good to be able to do that for him, and for them. I know how much they miss him too. He's supossed to be getting back online in a little bit so that we can talk again. I hope he's able to. Talking to him before I go to bed, helps me sleep better. I don't know why, but it relaxs me and makes it easier to fall asleep. I called to see about Tiffany starting school down here, but it looks like we're gonna hafta wait till my mom gets down here and signs some papers. It won't hurt her though, she'll only be missing the first week or so.
Denny had a pretty good day today. He didn't throw any fits. I think it helped though cause he got to talk to his Daddy. That always makes him feel better. I know he worries about him too, and I think it eases his mind when they get to talk.Only 2 days till school starts, it's gonna be a nice break for me not to have kids in the house all day, but it's gonna feel weird without Denny around the house all day long. I hope he likes his new school, and his new teacher. I'm sure he'll make friends, and do well though, he always does.
Chris, and the kids came over and we had pizza for dinner, neither of us felt like cooking anything. Other than that, I had a pretty boring day. I have a doctors appt tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, and I really hope everything turns out ok. I'm a little scared to go without Allen here to go with me. I know I've been doing it, but it's still hard. I know I have to though. I just want everything to be ok. I can't believe we've already made it so far into this deployment, sometimes it feels like he's been gone forever, and other times it feels like it's going by pretty fast. I mean summer's already almost over with, and in the beginning it felt like summer would never get here. I hope the rest of the time we have to be apart goes by fast. I can't wait for the day I can be in his arms again.

2005-07-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

Everything went good today, except I didn't really get to talk to him to much today. Well, we talked for a little over an hour this morning, but he was supossed to get back online around 9:00pm and he hasn't gotten on yet. I trust him, but lately I've been hearing so many bad stories. I know a couple people that are getting divorced because of this deployment, and I don't ever want that to happen with us. I don't know what to do, or how I should feel right now. I've been doing better with handling everything, but lately, it seems like he's so much more distant. Before when he was off work, and he had extra time, he spent so much more of that time online with me. It's not like that anymore. I know he's busy, and he's doing his best, but it just seems like he's had other things to do, or other things going on lately. I hope everything's ok, and there's nothing wrong. I love him more than I could ever explain, and I just want us to be happy, and spend our lives together. That's why I married him. To share the rest of my life with him, and only him. And of course Denny, and our future children too. I just can't imagine my life without him in it, and right now, I dont know why, but something doesn't feel right. I don't know why I get myself all worked up like this. I know when he's able to get on, he'll have a logical reason, for not getting on at 9 like he said he would. I'm sure he just fell asleep or something, or maybe something work related came up unexpectedly. He had to go earlier cause of something unexpected, so maybe that's all it is. I don't know why, but everytime this happens, I feel like I did something to make him mad, or upset, so he just doesn't get on. I want to talk to him so bad, I miss him so much, and I wish more than anything he was home with us right now. Denny's gonna be starting school here soon, and I can't help think about all the things he's missing out on. It's hard but I know we're gonna make it through this. I guess right now I'm just in a mood cause I was really looking forward to talking to him tonight, and he's not signing on. I don't know what's going on.

2005-07-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

Everything has been good with me. I didn't get to talk to him today. He im'd me, but I didn't have a signal, so I got the message late, and by the time I got it and responded he was already offling. I know he had to be tired, and he said he was going to bed, but I feel so bad for missing him tonight. That was the only chance we had to talk today, and I didn't get his message in time. All I did today was go grocery shopping, got Denny's school shoes, and played cards with Chris. It was a kinda boring day. I really miss him right now, and I wish more than anything he could be home with me. I hope he's not mad at me for not getting his messages before he signed out. This is the first time that I can remember missing his message. I know he has to be worried cause he even im'd Chris to see if she knew where I was. But of course we didn't get that message until after we got back, and he was already signed out. I feel TERRIBLE about missing him. I don't want him to be worrying, but I'm sure he is. I just hope he's not mad at me.
Denny's behavior has been getting a little bit better, well at least he was ok today. He played outside most of the day, even though it was really hot and humid. It doesn't seem to bother the kids. Everything else has been going good. I've been feeling a little better about the whole deployment, even though I still have my bad days too. I guess that's normal though. I just can't wait for the day when he's back home, and I can be in his arms again.

2005-07-26T23:26:00.000-05:00

Today was another good day. I didn't do a whole lot, mostly just relaxed at the house, and played some games online. I got to talk to Allen which was great. He even took the time to im me when he got back tonight to let me know he was safe. He's so thoughtful. He knows how much I worry, so he always finds a way to make me feel better.
I had a pretty good day with Denny today. He even took a bath without me asking, because he was afraid i was gonna take away his playstation games if he didn't get in the shower. It was cute, but at the same time it shows that he is learning that there's consequences to his actions. And with the help of Allen, I think we're getting things under control. I know he has a lot of anger built up inside of him, and I'm not sure if it's deployment related or not, but he does seem to be getting better. I think talking to Allen helps him too, cause talking to him lets Denny know his Daddy's ok. He's always in a better mood after talking to him. He fell asleep in our bed tonight, I'll probably just leave him there, everyone else is sleeping, and he's too heavy for me to lift.
I think I'm starting to handle things alot better. I know I definately feel better than I did. I think it's a combination of my medicine, my doctor's visit, and the biggest part is communication that I have with Allen now. It makes a HUGE difference. I feel like I have more control over things than I did before, and we've been doing good planning approx. what time we're gonna be talking so I don't worry as much. Of course, when I know he's on the road I still worry, but it eases my mind to get the im from him telling me he's back and that he's safe. It's a great feeling. I know we're gonna get through this deployment, and hopefully we'll be stronger in the end.

2005-07-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy day. I got alot of stuff done around the house, and my motivation's coming back. I got to talk to him for a pretty long time today, and last night we talked for several hours. It was Great. I went over to Chris's yesterday and went swimming with the kids. It was nice to get out of the house again.
I got some cleaning done, even though the kids have everything a mess all over again. I hate that I can't wait till school starts and there's not a bunch of kids running around all over the house. I know it's partly my fault, but the kids keep Denny occupied and I'm glad that he has friends to play with, but sometimes, it gets to be a little bit too much.
I had another doctor appointment today. So far everything seems fine, but I'm worried about the tests they want to do on my heart. I don't really think there's anything wrong other than anxiety and stress but I'm still scared, and I don't like having to go through all of this without Allen right there by my side. I guess even though physically he's not here, he'll still be with me in my heart, and mind. Besides, we've been able to communicate so good lately that he'll almost know the results as soon as I do. I feel better about going and getting all of these things taken care of so I don't have to worry as much, and I know Allen feels better too. Denny was acting up a little bit for me today, but it felt so good to be able to have Allen right there to help me with him. I feel bad about it in a way because I feel like I should be handling all of the things that go on at home while he's gone, he has enough to deal with. But. he's always able to make things better for us, and I appreciate everything that he does. I could never expect or even ask him to do everything he does for us, especially when right now he's 7,000 miles away. I guess that just shows what a GREAT husband and father he is.

2005-07-24T00:07:00.000-05:00

Today was another good day. I got to talk to him on the computer for a few hours he kicked my ass playing pool. That's ok, I'll get him next time. :) I got some cleaning done around the house, finally. I feel my motivation coming back to me. I feel better, more relaxed, and alot calmer. I stayed around the house most of the day, then went to Jessi's and played cards. It was fun. Nice to get out of the house for a change instead of sitting around feeling miserable like I was so used to doing.
I don't know if he's gonna be able to get back online tonight or not, I hope he's able to. At least so I can tell him goodnight, and that I LOVE HIM <3>
I noticed that when I'm ok, and doing well my friends actually want to do things with me, and I'm included in the plans. I didn't understand why they didn't want to be around me so much before, but I think I get it now. I mean nobody wants to be around someone that's miserable. Why would they want to listen to me complain all the time. It would just bring them down too. Just like it was doing to Allen. I never wanted to bring him down, or anyone else. I guess I was trying to reach out, letting the people I care about know that I wasn't ok, and that I needed help. I just wanted someone to listen, and I just wanted someone to understand where I was coming from and why I was feeling how I was feeling. I think they understand now. I realiz that before anyone could truly understand me, and why I was feeling so miserable, I had to understand it myself. Finally, I do understand. I still can't control some of the thoughts I have, or my ways of thinking, but I'm working on it. And I know I'll be able to overcome it with the help of Allen, and my friends. But things are looking up, and improving everyday, I guess I'm just lucky that me and Allen have an unconditional love for each other, and no matter what will stick by each other through anything. I never thought I could have that with anyone, and I'm thankful that we've found each other. I miss him terribly, but I know our love will get us through this.

2005-07-23T00:32:00.000-05:00

I feel so much better. I finally went to the doctor's and it looks like all my symptoms are stress related, they haven' found anything medically wrong with me, Thank God for that. 8 medical tests in the past five days, and nothing. I was kinda suprised, because I've felt so miserable, it's amazing what stress can do to a person. He reenlisted, which I'm happy about. I think he made the right decision, and I know that he put alot of thought into the decision, so did I.
Things seem to be looking up for us. After a little rough spot, I finally feel like I have control back in my life. There's still some work I have to do. But, it's with my own issues. Not his. Nothing him or anyone else can do about it. I'm working through it, and with his help and support I know everything will be ok. I have alot of things planned to keep myself busy during the rest of this deployment. Denny will be back to school soon, and I'll be back to coaching his team. The holidays are right around the corner, and my parents will be here to visit soon. I think it's gonna be nice to have someone come here to visit for a change rather than me doing all the traveling. I'm just glad that I feel better, and some of the stress is off of him too. Thats all I wanted was for this to be as easy as possible for us as a family, and I think it finally is.

2005-07-22T18:41:00.000-05:00

Thunderstorm crashing outside the window
He's far away, but still comforts me from the storm
I can feel his presence in the room, I feel him everywhere
He's in my heart where ever I go, his love keeps me sane

In my mind he stays, through my eyes I see him
With my lips I can almost feel his kiss
With my hands, I can almost touch him
With my ears, I can hear him whisper goodnight to me
I can smell him, I hope and pray for his safety
And long for the day he's back home
So, I can fall asleep in his arms again.

2005-07-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

My soldier is brave, courageous and strong
At his side forever, that's where I belong

On these lonely night's while I cry myself to sleep
My soldier's out there fighting, so we can all stay free

He works hard, and sacrifices so much
the webcam lets me see him
but I still miss his touch

he gets really tired, has blister's on his feet
but continues to do his duty, out in the desert heat

Sometimes I think we forget
Our maybe we don't know
What it takes to be a soldier
Far away from home

With that in mind
Please say a prayer
They all come home safely
To the ones that hold them dear

I LOVE YOU HUNNY, PLEASE STAY SAFE

2005-07-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'm still waiting to hear from him again. Hoping that everything's ok. I'm sure it is, but I still have an uneasy feeling, the one I always have when I know he's out on the road over there. It's already morning time for him, and if he's made it back then he must be sleeping. I didn't do anything today. Once again, no motivation to do anything at all. I just sat around the house all day worrying. I can't wait till my counseling appt. It's not till the 19th though. That's still 3 days away. I always seem to feel better when I first get back from my appt. but then within a few days I'm back to feeling like my whole world is falling apart. I wish I knew why, and I wish I knew how to fix it, or make it go away. I'm starting to get a little worried again, i thought I would have heard something from him by now. It's been hours since i figured i would be hearing from him, where could he be. I guess he's still out on the road, hopefully, he'll im me tonight sometime, or at least by morning. I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight, I usually can't sleep when I don't know what's going on with him. The kids are in bed, and sleeping, I'm not really tired, just bored. I don't feel like going to sleep right now, but I don't have anything else to do either. Me and Denny played Uno again tonight, he beat me twice, but at least I won one of our games. He's getting better at it too. I bet he could even beat daddy now. Oh wait, Daddy always loses at that game. I just hope I hear something from him soon, for now I guess all I can do is wait.

2005-07-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

I finally got to talk to him last night for a little while. He's doing good, and made it back safely again. It's always such a relief. This morning he im'd me again to tell me that he'd be back out on those roads again. I was glad that I got to talk to him before he left, and he's gonna be back online when he gets back this time, I just don't know when that will be.
I slept a lot today, at least I'm rested up in case he doesn't get on the computer till late tonight. Either way I can't wait to talk to him again. I miss him more than anything, and I guess I'm kinda having another bad day. I hate those days when he's not here to comfort me when I need him the most. I don't know exactly what started my bad day today, but once I get in this mood, it's so hard to get out of it. Well hopefully, I'll be in a better mood once I get to talk to him. For now, I guess I'll just wait and find something to do.

2005-07-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

I still haven't heard anything from him, and I don't know what's going on. Maybe he's sleeping, but if he is why didn't he atleast let me know that he made it back. Or maybe he's not back yet. I hope nothing happened. I hope he's ok. This is what bothers me the most, and makes it harder for me. I know he does the best that he can as far as getting a hold of me, and he does a wonderful job, more than i could ever expect or ever ask for. So then, why do I get upset, and why does my mind wonder off to thinking crazy thoughts all the time. The minute I don't hear from him, when I think I should have heard something by now, I start to think things. I can't help it, and I can't control it. I try to focus my energy and attention on other things, more positive things so that I'm not a wreck but I can't sometimes. I find myself glued to the TV, watching the news, and trying to guess if the things that I see happening over there were anywhere near him. All I can do is hope and pray that they aren't, and just wait patiently to hear from him, and know he's ok.
It's so hard sometimes to go on here living a "normal" life, when my life is nothing like normal. I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares that something's happened to him. I wake up in the morning to the sounds of all the noise in the house from the kids. Wishing I would hear his voice too. Those are the best days, when I wake up and the first thing I hear is him on the computer, or when I get up and there's already a message from him waiting. It comforts me. The neighborhood kids, running in and out all day long with Dennis. The music blasting on the TV. I have to constantly remind Dawn to turn it down, or to turn off lights that she's left on. I drive everywhere by myself, to pay bills, to the store. Anything that we would otherwise do as a family I do alone. Including Denny's soccer, and baseball games, activities at the school. To the doctor's to the dentist. All the car repairs, road trips, trips to the beach, to the mall. Everywhere, it's all done without him. He doesn't get to enjoy any of the things we get to enjoy being at home. He's missing out on so much. So many important things that go on at home, so many fun things, that don't seem fun to me or denny without him here. We played Uno last night together, it was kinda fun, but not the same without him. Even Denny said "I wish Daddy could be here to play with us, it's more fun when he's here." Sometimes when he says things like that it hurts, because I know the pain I'm feeling, and the lonliness that I feel, is felt by Denny too. And I don't want our son to feel miserable without his daddy here. At least I understand more of why he's gone, than denny does, so I'm sure it's not only lonely to him, but confusing as well. I think we've done a good job explaining things to denny, and answering his questions, but it's still hard for me at home. I have to be the one to calm him down when he gets upset, and to reassure him that everything's gonna be ok. Which at times is hard to do, because I don't know what's going on over there all the time. How can I reassure a 7 yr old, when there's so many things I'm unsure of myself. There's so many things that I've had do without him here. And sometimes, I feel so selfish for complaining. My life at home isn't easy by any means, but at least we're here and we're safe.
He's over there out of the road, so many things going on around him. I imagine he always has to be on guard, I will never know the way it is for him. But, I feel selfish because I am here. I get to tuck Denny in everynight. I get to hug him, and kiss him, and hold him on my lap to comfort him when he's sad. I get to see him play sports, play games with him. I get to enjoy watching him grow, and I get to help him with his homework, and see him make new friends. I get to hear his voice, and watch him laugh. Anytime I want. And I feel selfish because I can do these things, and my husband can't. I want that for him. I want him to be able to do these things, and I can't imagine how hard it is for him to be over there away from all of this. I can't imagine it, and i want to understand. I try to understand. But there's no way I will ever be able to.

2005-07-15T15:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't talked to him yet today, he im'd me this morning to let me know he would be out on the road somewhere again. I like knowing as much as I can, but it still doesn't stop the wondering and worrying that I do back here at home. It's nice out today, sunny and hot. I could be doing something, but I have no motivation to do anything. I did manage to get a shower, and get out to pay the bills. But that's all I did today. I'm still waiting for the im that says he's made it back and that he's safe again. I always feel so relieved when I get that message from him. A huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. But, the worrying starts right back up the next time he's out on the road. I've thought about what it would be like if I didn't know, but then I would be more worried when I didn't hear from him. It's a no win situation here. I'm gonna worry regardless. I just want this to get better. I can't wait for the day that he's back home with us again. Everything still feels empty around this house without him. And only about 2 weeks ago, he was here for his 15 short days of leave. That time went by so fast, why can't it go by fast now that he's gone again. I think I'm making this harder on myself, but I don't know how to stop the worrying. I can't get rid of the empty feeling I have without him here. I didn't even eat anything yet today, I have no appetite. No desire to eat, no desire to do anything. I have to get myself out of this mood. I have to get past this somehow. I wish my counseling appt was today instead of next week. I don't want to wait that long to talk to someone. But, who is there to talk to now. No one. I feel like there's no one there to listen, no one that understands, because no one feels the way I do. What am I gonna do about this. I have to figure this out, and find a way to get through the rest of this deployment. The one person that always is there to listen, and always makes me feel better is 7000 miles away dealing with more than I can ever imagine. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with him. But, I don't want to cause things to be harder for him. He worries so much about me already, I don't want him to worry more. I need him now though. He's the only thing that will make me feel better. I know this sounds crazy and I never wanted to depend on anyone, but when he's not here it feels like a piece of me is missing. How can I go on feeling like a piece of me is missing, feeling so miserable, and so incomplete. I just want to be ok again.

2005-07-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

Lying in bed, thinking of you
Waching the sunset, my world is blue
The days are long, the nights are lonely
Dreaming of you, wanting you to hold me

By my side you are no more
I've been lost and alone sine you walked out the door

This time was harder on both you and me
Denny misses his daddy, you're all he can see

We talk about you everyday, with joy and pride you should hear him say
My daddy's in Iraq, he has a job to do, but he'll be back home when his job is through
He loves you very much, as I do too, we're trying to understand and be suppotive of you.

Come home safe, we love you and miss you more than anything.

The talking helps

2005-07-14T18:26:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day so far. He got online in the morning, and woke me up. It was wonderful, so nice to wake up to the sound of his voice. We talked for a long time, it felt great. I had some errands to run today, things I had to get done for Denny for school, and while I was out doing them, all I could do was think about him again, and how he's gonna miss out on Denny's first day of second grade, along with so many other things. It felt strange to go to the school, and do all this without him here. It wasn't like this last year. He came with me, and we did everything together. I miss that so much.
I know he'll be home eventually, and we'll have that again, but the waiting seems to take forever. When I got back, we talked again, and this time we really got a lot of things out in the open. He still doesn't know what to do about reenlisting, but we did talk about it. This whole time I've been sitting here thinking that he wasn't ready to get out of the Army, and today he told me that he is ready to get out anytime. I was suprised to hear him say that, but it made me look at things alot different. Before, I kept telling him to stay in, and reenlist. The biggest reason I did that was because that's what I truly thought he wanted. He thought that I was trying to get him to reenlist because I didn't want to give up military life. But that's not it at all. I just thought he wasn't ready to give it up. There's some nice things about this life, but we can have that without the Army. We still have a lot of talking to do on this subject, and it's such a tough decision. I'm happy that he's finally starting to open up and talk to me about what goes on in his mind. I wish he would do it more often. It helps me to see where he's coming from, and makes things a little easier for me. I try to be as open and honest with him as I can be. I just don't want to make things harder for him. There's so much stuff that I need to get done around the house, but I don't feel like doing any of it. I don't know why, but I'm feeling really lazy today. I don't want him to think I'm crazy or anything with the way that I keep thinking because I truly don't believe that I'm crazy. I'm just an very emotional person, in love with the most wonderful man in the world, and I miss him more than anything.

Crazy thoughts again

2005-07-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a little bit harder for me. It was one of those days that I really wanted him to be home with us. I know that I'm gonna have days like this throughout the rest of the deployment, but I wish I knew how to stop thinking about it.
He has a job to do, and neither one of us can do anything about it. I try to keep a positive attitude about it, but it seems like I only end up dwelling on the negative things. He's back to thinking about reenlisting. Saying that he doesn't know if he should do it or not. I feel terrible about the whole thing. I want him to do what's best for all of us, and I know that's what he wants too. But, I'm willing to sacrifice anything I have to sacrifice so that he's happy. I'd rather be miserable and unhappy during a deployment, knowing that he's happy, than to have him home where I'll be happy, but I'd have to see him miserable all the time. It's hard to explain, and I get so mixed up about the whole thing. I can only imagine how hard it is for him.
It's like as soon as I start to feel better, and I feel like I can handle this deployment, some random thought pops in my head that throws me right back into a stage of depression, and misery. I hope that my counseling appts help, and I hope I can get to the point where I'm able to push all these thoughts aside, and relax. I don't know where it all comes from. I guess it's just the way my mind works. I wasn't like this before the deployment, and I don't know if the deployment has caused me to be like this or what it's from. I'm so much more worried about everything, and the anxiety increases, and then goes away. My moods change so often, one minute I'm fine and the next I want to scream.
He should be getting back online soon. I just hope that he's able to get enough sleep. I don't want him to give up his sleeping time talking to me. Of course, I want to talk to him, and I'll take every opportunity I get, but what I want more than anything is for him to hold me, and just be here with me. He makes me feel safe, and secure. And I feel so much stability in my life when he's here with me. When he's gone, I feel so empty, so lost, and so lonely. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be better. But, right now I want him here. I miss him more than I could ever explain, and I don't know how to deal with all of this I guess. I just want my family back. That's all. But, I know that he would be here with us if he could. I was sitting here thinking back to when he was home on leave, how nice it was just to have him in the house, To know he's safe, to fall asleep in his arms, and wake up next to him. I'm just wondering now if he's gonna get online again tonight. He was supossed to be on at 10:00 and it's after 10:00 and there's no sign of him yet. He's probably sleeping, and I'm sure sometime soon he'll get on so we can talk. It's just the waiting that's hard. I never know what's going on over there, and I always worry especially when I think I'm gonna talk to him and then I don't. I get so scared, and I wonder what's wrong, what's going on, and if something's happened. That's what puts me in this rambling state of mind that I'm in now. Not knowing anything, and feeling like I don't have control over my life. I know I can't sit here and worry and wonder all the time, it's not helping me deal with this. In fact, it's one of the things that's making it harder for me. I can't stop the worrying, and wondering. About everything. I still feel like I can handle this, I guess I'm just dealing with it in a different way.

The most wonderful man in the world!!!!!

2005-07-13T03:01:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day. I got to talk to him for a long time on the computer, and it was awesome. Hearing his voice finally, and being able to see him at the same time was unexplainable. It was so real, almost like he was at home with me. I'm so glad that he has the internet in his room. I'm grateful that he loves me like he does, and took the time to talk to me, for as long as he did.
I did feel kinda bad though, cause I know he didn't get alot of sleep, but I know he'll be careful and he'll be alright.
I can't wait to talk to him again tomorrow. I hope everything goes well when he has to go back out on the road. Even though, I know he's careful and good at what he does, I still worry, and get chills everytime I know he's out there on those roads. It's such a relief to me when I know he's made it back and he's safe. I don't know what I would do without him. He's the love of my life. My best friend, my soulmate. I just don't know how I got lucky enough to have him as my husband. He makes my life complete, and Denny's too. I finally found the missing piece of my puzzle, and now that I have him, I'll never let him go. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Feeling Better

2005-07-12T23:41:00.000-05:00

I'm back home from PA. The trip was nice. I got to spend some time with my dad which made it even better. It felt great to see everyone, and we both had fun.
He has internet in his room now, so communications between the two of us are alot better now. Today I talked to him with the voice chat, and webcam at the same time. It was great to see him, he looked so good. I just hope communications stay this good. It's helping me handle things alot better.
There's days I wish he was home with us, but I guess that's to be expected, and there would be something wrong if I didn't want him here with us.
Denny handled the second time he left a lot better than he handled the first time, that definately makes me feel better about this whole thing. He decided to reenlist, which is fine with me. We talked about it alot and I know that he put alot of serious thought into making that decision. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. He took the time to think about what was best for all of us, instead of just doing what he wanted. Even though part of me didn't want him to reenlist because of the deployments, I would have looked past my own selfishness so that he could be happy. And I know that he likes his job, and I could never ask him to give that up for me. I wouldn't want him too. So, I'm happy with his decision. Even though the deployment is hard we're making it through this, and it'll make it that much better when he comes home in a couple months.
Seeing him for 2 weeks was GREAT, and even though I took it harder when he first left a couple weeks ago than I did in January, everything seems better now. Part of me thinks it's because he has internet in his room, and I know communications between us are gonna be alot better, and part of me thinks it's because I went to PA to visit. Either way, I guess the important part is that it's better now, and soon he'll be home.
It still seems so far away. and I sit here and try not to think of it as being a long time, but I can't help it. I go back to thinking about all the things he's already missed in the first 5 months, and I can't help think of how much more he'll be missing out on back home. I feel bad that he's over there working and going through all of that, while we're sitting here at home waiting for him. It seems so unfair to him. But, I guess it comes with the job, and I'm so proud of him for all that he does. I never realized how much he had to give up by going over there. I guess I didn't realize how much me and Denny would have to give up either.

Till the lonliness ends

2005-07-09T00:49:00.000-05:00

The pain is felt deep in my heart
The loneliness grows the more we're apart
Hoping and Praying this will soon end
Wanting you home, in my arms again.

Smiling on the outside, trying to stay sane
Crying inside, from the hurt and the pain
Trying to stay strong, but it's hard to do
The only strength that I have is coming from you.

Without your love, my world would fall apart
That's why I keep you close, and always in my heart
So until you're back, by my side again
At home I'll be waiting for the lonliness to end.

All mixed up...............

2005-07-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

I made the trip to PA, and I'm feeling ok. When I first got here, I was tired from the trip, and didn't feel like doing very much, but now I'm enjoying some time away from home. And been pretty busy visiting friends and family.
I talked to him today again. I'm glad that he's made it back safely to where he was going, but he's not handling things very well. When I talked to him today, he told me that he doesn't feel like getting out of bed, and that his body's in Iraq, and his mind is at home with us. I know it's hard, on him, and on us, but it hurt to hear him say that. I feel bad, because there's not much I can do to make him feel better. And I feel like it's all my fault. I think me and him have traded places emotionally for now. I'm the one that feels guilty like it's all my fault and he's the one that's hurting and upset. I'm hurting and upset about it too. I know how much he loves his job, but today he said he doesn't know if he likes his job anymore, and that he wonders why he's even doing it. I thought maybe something had happened since he got back over there, but he said that nothing happened, that he just feels this way from being away from us. I feel terrible, and I don't know how to fix it. I want everything to be alright. I told him to go talk to a chaplain or something. I think that would be the best thing. Normally, he wouldn't have agreed, he would have said he didn't need to talk to anyone, but today, he said it might not be a bad idea. It worries me because he needs to stay focused and be alert when he goes out on missions, and how can he do that, if he can't get us off of his mind. I know that he's going through a lot right now, but it's scary for me because there's no way I can understand it. I've never been there before and even though I try, I will never know exactly what it's like to be in his shoes, and to deal with or handle the things he's handling. I wish there was more I could do. I just keep reassuring him that he will always have a wife to come home to, and we will be ok. I hope I get to talk to him soon. I know he's been busy working, but hopefully we'll get to talk tomorrow that way I'll at least know he's safe, and maybe he'll be feeling better too.

Countdown, Day 2

2005-06-30T17:27:00.000-05:00

I got to talk to him yesterday, he's still on his way back, but at least I know that his journey so far has been safe. He sounded pretty good, a little tired, but I expected that. I'm a little worried about him because he's so worried about me. He keeps apologizing and blaming himself for this whole thing. But it's not his fault. I feel terrible for making things harder for him, and I never tried to. It was never my intention to make him feel bad about the way I'm handling this deployment. I can only hope that by the time he gets back to where he's going, that he'll be feeling better and will be a little less worried than he was when he left.
As for me, I think I'm doing a little better, at least today so far. I'm still waiting to hear from him again. He said he'd call from the next place he was going to, but I'm sure he's very busy. I'll hear from him when he gets some time.
I'm planning on making the trip back home for a little bit, I haven't decided how long to stay up there though, but probably at least a week. I just want to be able to handle this, and go about my life like my friends do. They are able to carry on like it's nothing. I guess I'm not as strong or independent as I thought I was. Maybe after this is over and he is home, the next time I'll be better. That is if there is a next time. I'm afraid that my pain, and worry has caused him to give up on being in the military. He's already saying that he's not reenlisting. I don't want to be the cause of him getting out of the military. But I'm very grateful that he loves me so much that he just wants to see me happy. And that he would do that for me. I still feel like he's throwing away everything that's he's worked for over me, and that's really not fair to him. I guess we still have a while to sort through that decision, but I just hope we're able to do the right thing for our family as a whole.

Countdown, day 1

2005-06-29T02:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I've made it through the frist day without him. Barely. I'm feeling lonely, and sad because he's not here. but once again I'm left to wait for the phone to ring and here his voice on the other end. He might call soon, and right now I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, but when he left the first time, I was so tried when I did fall asleep, I didn't hear the phone ring, and I don't want that to happen again.
So many thoughts running through my mind a million miles a minute. No one understands, and I have no one to talk to. It hurts knowing that everyone else's husbands are still home and mine's gone. I want mine here too. I happy for my friends, and that right now their families are still together.
I think I'm in denial right now. I still believe, or at least I feel like there's still a chance of him coming back home to me now.
I don't want to make things bad for him, by being like this, but I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole thing. I just feel like I need him here with us. That's so selfish, but I can't help how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel so helpless, and so confused. It hurts.

The second half begins

2005-06-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

He's been gone for about 7 hours now, but it already feels like an eternity. It's like starting this deployment all over again. Watching him leave today was harder than the first time. The 15 days he was home were the best 15 days of my life. But I think it's harder because I felt like we just had our family back and now he's gone, and it's falling apart again. Everything inside of me feels like it's falling apart when he's not here. I never imagined a pain this great. I want to scream cause there's nothing I can do to bring him back home to me.
I'm trying to understand that this is his job, but I'm having a hard time cause I want him home with me. I feel so selfish for feeling this way. And guilty because I let him know my feelings. That just stressed him out even more. He definately doesn't need that, he's already got so much to deal with. I know everything's gonna be ok. But without him here I feel like everything's spinning out of control. He's my strength, my stability, and my safety. The love of my life, and I miss him already. I want him to come back. If there was only a way. I want it to be ok. I want to feel whole again, and from the minute he waled away from me, my heart sunk, and left me here feeling like an empty shell of a person. I know this isn't good for me, and it scares me cause I've never been like this.

frustrated

2005-05-30T21:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know anymore what to do or what's going on, I want to talk to him so bad. I can't even explain what it feels like to sit here alone, and not know what he's doing or where he is. I was doing so good before, but now i feel like I'm falling apart again. I can't really understand why because it won't be long, and he'll be home. I should be happy and excited, and part of me is. But the other part of me, doesn't want to have to tell him goodbye again. I don't want to do this. i don't know if i can watch him walk away from me again. that was the worst feeling in the world.
I know that it's not his fault that i haven't heard from him since friday. It can't be his fault. that's just not like him to say he'd get in contact with me, and then not do it. But it's been the pattern lately. Communication sucks, and the worse it gets, the harder it is for me to be back here, and to do this. It gets so frustrating, and it's hard to understand what's so different now. why is everybody else still talking to their husband's and knowing what's going on, and i'm left in the dark. it's hard not to compare, or at least feel some bit of bitterness when everyone around me is talking to their husband's a couple times a day. We used to talk like that, so what has changed. maybe he's been busier, but then when he tells me that he had the day off, it hurt. I was glad that he finally got ahold of me, but to know that he had the whole day off, and waited till midnight to get in contact with me, just hurt. i felt like i was put on the back burner. I'm trying to stay strong, and i know i have to be for all of us. But i feel sometimes, like i don't have enough strength in me to carry on this way. I feel so lonely, longing for him everyday. Just wanting him to be here, away from danger. Wanting to be in his arms. Knowing its not much longer and i can be is great, but then we got to do this thing all over again, and i'm scared. i try not to think of the "what if's" but i can't help it. it goes racing through my mind everyday, every second that goes by that i don't hear from him makes me worry about his safety and what's going on even more. i have no where to turn, no one to talk to about this. I'm left here to write to myself, as a way to release all the anger and frustration that's building up inside of me. i don't know how much longer i can take this. I feel so torn, and so selfish sometimes. i'm so proud of him for everything that he's doing over there, and he's sacrificing a lot more than i am. so why am i feeling this way. why do i feel like he's abandoned me, when i need him the most. i know that he hasn't. he would never do that to me, so why do i feel this. why do i feel like my whole life is turning upside down, into a downward spiral, why is everything in my life seem to be spinning out of control. i don't know what to do, or how to make things right. i don't even know if there is anything wrong. i just feel like there is. we used to talk all the time. our marriage has been like a dream. something i never thought i would find. no love like ours is greater in my mind. but why do i feel like he's not feeling the same way as me. maybe it's cause he's dealing with things different. i don't understand what he's going through over there, and i don't know how he feels. i don't like not knowing, and i don't like feeling, like i;m not involved in his life. and i guess that's how i feel. i feel like i'm back here hanging on, and when the time comes i'm gonna lose him. he says that's not gonna happen, ever, but i feel like it already is. i will stand by him, and i will wait, and i'm trying my best to support him, and live this kind of life. but i just don't know how to do it.
I love him more than anything, and i know that he loves me, but i feel like this deployment is slowly tearing things apart. I mean, it's only been 3 days since i heard from him, but that's long enough to cause worry and concern for me. i guess i'm just not very good at this whole thing. i try to think positive, and when i think things like this, he gets upset. i don't want to upset him or hurt his feelings, but i don't know how to control my feelings, and emotions. i wish i did. believe me it would make life much easier for me. i can't focus on anything right now. i'm trying so hard. maybe to hard. all i can think about is what it's gonna be like when he gets here. i have no confidence in myself, and i'm so afraid that when he gets here and goes back, and for some reason, he's gonna decide that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and he'll want a divorce. it's kinda crazy for me to think this way, but i can't help it. and he gets so upset when i talk like this, that i could never let him know how i've been feeling. i wouldn't want him to have to go through anymore stress over there than he already is. but i have to talk to someone. i have to let this out of my system, it's tearing me apart. i have no friends that i can talk to about this. they don't want to hear it, i feel so lost, and so confused right now. i wish this would stop. i just want to hear from him, and i just want the reassurance that everything will be ok. i just want him to hold me, and tell me that it's gonna be fine. i miss that safe feeling i have when i'm in his arms. i miss feeling secure. I miss everything, and i just want to talk to him and know that everything's ok.

Does anyone understand????

2005-05-21T00:59:00.000-05:00

Every morning I wake up thinking of him and hoping he's alright. I await his phone calls and computer time, they are my lifeline. I live each day knowing nothing really. Always on gaurd. I have to carry on knowing he's in danger so far away. But if you asked me how I do it I would say I don't know. I've never done this and I couldn't have prepared for this kind of pain, and lonliness, even though I tried. Do you know the pain of watching the love of your life walk away, not knowing if or when you'll see them again? I know this pain. The hurt and emptiness it creates has no comparison. It was the worst feeling in the world, almost undearable.
Now, I sit here and wait, trying to go on with my day to day activities without him. It hurts. My heart bleeds, and only the sound of his voice can comfort me now. And for that I must wait. You see, he just can't pick up the phone and call whenever he wants. He has a job to do. And this job has taken him away for awhile. From me, our son, our marriage, and our family. Some many sacrifices. I'm not the only one that knows this pain, he knows it too, and so does our son. But this pain will make us stronger, more courageous, and more understanding in the end.

2005-03-27T01:15:00.000-05:00

My mood has improved drastically. Knowing that he'll be home on leave, that soon, makes me feel 100% better. I know I can make it that long without going crazy, and I CAN"T WAIT to see him. I have so many things, I want to get done, and have ready for when he's finally here. I should stay busy enough between all of that, and Denny's soccer. I'm making a lot of progress on his blanket, it should be finished in the next couple weeks, and I can get that out to him in the mail. I just hope he really likes it, even though I made some mistakes on the ends. Today, I don't have anything planned, I hope I get to talk to him soon. I miss him sssssooo much and I can't wait till he's home with me again. He's truly the love of my life, and the one that I've waited for.

2005-03-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day for me. I got to talk to him twice on the computer, but the webcam wasn't working so I couldn't see him. It was a little disappointing because I really wanted to see his face. But I know that there will be other times. I miss him so much right now, I know I should go to bed, but I just want to kiss him goodnight, more than anything. I will have him in my dreams, as always, and in my heart forever, everywhere that I go, and in everything that I do. This is alot harder than I ever imagined it would be, and I guess it just takes a little time to get used to. We'll get through it together. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful, and understanding husband. I'm proud of him for everything that he does. Although I'm VERY proud of him for all the sacrifices he makes everyday fighting for our country. I'm more proud of him for being the wonderful husband and father that he is. That is what I truly cherish. Knowing that I have him, keeps me going, and keeps my head held high. I have been given the greatest gift in the world. My wonderful husband!

2005-03-17T02:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to talk to him at all today. I'm kinda worried about it. We talked on the phone last night, and he was sick. I hope he's not in the hospital or anything, and i hope everything's ok. The conversation we had last night, wasn't our normal conversation. He seemed so distant. I almost felt like I was talking to one of my friends, instead of talking to my husband. I didn't like it at all. I didn't say anything to him about it, but I was upset towards the end of the call, and he didn't seem to really care very much that I was crying, he just kept saying that he had to go. That he needed to get ready for work, and go eat breakfast. I know it's not that he doesn't care, because I know he does, it just hurt, because, sometimes, when i need him the most he's not there, or so out of touch with my feelings. It's never been that way before, and I hope that it doesn't stay that way, cause I miss him, and I want my husband back. Not the distant guy that I talked to last night on the phone. I'm probably over reacting, and maybe it was just cause he was sick, and just got out of bed. It's hard now, cause I got so used to talking to him everyday, a couple times a day, and now today, to not talk to him at all, has REALLY sucked. I need to get some sleep, tomorrow's a new day, I hope I get to talk to him soon.

2005-03-11T23:44:00.000-05:00

Well, he called me this morning, a little after 6:00am. It was so good hearing his voice. The phone card ran out though in the middle of our conversation and cut us off. Now I'm waiting for him to get online or call back. He said he was going too. I cried on the phone a little bit, I tried not to but I couldn't help it. Now, I feel bad, and I'm afraid that I might have upset him again. I don't know what to do. This is just so hard for me, and I don't want him to be upset by anything I say or do. When we're so far away from each other though, it's so hard not to say things to him, and let him know how I feel, and I want to share my thoughts and feelings with him, but I don't want him to be worrying about me. I know he doesn't need to, and shouldn't have to deal with me being like this on top of everything else he's going through over there. I feel like I'm burdening him with all my problems, and emotions over this whole deployment. I keep telling myself that I am strong, and that I can do it, but sometimes, I get so scared and worried, that I can't, or that I'm gonna mess something up. He tells me that I won't and that everything is fine. But, I feel like in time, if I keep doing this, I'm gonna push him away. I don't want him to feel as though he has to call em, but at the same time, of course I want to talk to him. I'm confused, and I feel like crying agian. I know I can't do that, and I can't keep torchering myself all the time. I do feel a little bit better, but I know that if I don't hear from him and have a conversation with him without crying, that'll only end up making my feel like shit again. I have to get through this next conversation without crying. I hope I have the willpower to do that. I know I'm gonna try.

2005-03-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

I feel a lot better already. I dropped both of my classes for this session, and already, my mood has improved. I think that part of my problem was trying to deal with this deployment, and all the emotions that have come with it, on top of trying to stay focused on school work, denny, the house, the bills, the dog, the car, and everything else. I think I had to many things on my plate for the time being, and I will continue with school, when I'm able to better deal with this deployment. I hope it's soon, though, I don't want to postpone my graduation for very long. I feel bad for making the decision without talking to Allen about it first, but I feel like I've already given him too many things to think and worry about. I didn't mean for that to happen but I think it did, He was supossed to im me or call me back today, and he didn't, but I know he checked his email, I don't know, and I shouldn't assume, but I feel like maybe he decided after our phone call this morning, and reading that email, that maybe we needed a break. It's hard for me though to not talk to him, especially after I had gotten so used to it. Maybe it's for the best, and maybe we both need some time. I don't doubt his feelings, or our marriage, but I feel like maybe I'm pusing him away and that's the last thing I want to do. I love him more than anything in the world, and I don't want anything to happen to us. I don't know what I would do without him. I realized that I need to relax, and try to be more understanding of this whole thing. I know he misses us, and he would come home if he could. I guess, I just haven't been dealing with it as well, as I thought. Well, today I have reached the breaking point, and I know it's time to stop acting like I've been acting. I just hope it's not to late, and I hope I haven't made him mad, or too upset over all this. I want to talk to him, I can't wait to talk to him again.

2005-03-10T20:01:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do. I have so many different emotions built up inside of me. I'm lonely, scared, and now I feel guilty. I didn't mean to upset him online today. But I think I did. Him and his friend were messing with the webcam, laughing and joking around. I was crying, and I had another bad day, and that made me feel worse. It hurt to see him over there goofing off with his friend while I sat here alone and crying. I felt like I was the furthest thing from his mind. And I wonder what his friend thought, and what they were saying. I'm sure he thinks I'm a big bitch for being upset. He was supossed to call, but he didn't. I guess he went to sleep or maybe he's not calling cause I made him mad and he doesn't feeling like dealing with it right now. I feel terrible. I'm glad to see that he was happy and laughing. It's important that he's able to be in a good mood while he's over there but at the same time I felt like he should have been more focused on talking to me, instead of laughing and joking around with his friend, especially since I was crying. It hurt. Once again I sit here feeling like shit cause I have no control over the situation. I really thought he was going to call me, especially since he knew how upset I was, but I guess not. Someone did just call here, but it got disconnected right away. I wonder if maybe it was him. I really need to hear his voice. We got to talk on the computer, but haven't talked on the phone for 3-4 days. Talking online is great,cause we get to talk alot more often, but at the same time, hearing his voice comforts me. And right now I need that comfort.I can't wait for the day that he comes home and I can touch him again. God, this is so hard. It hurts that we can't be together right now. I mean, I am strong enough to do this, and I know that we're gonna get through it, But it just gets really hard sometimes. I thought it would help having Dawn here , but all she does is come home from work and go to sleep. She doesn't help me at all. Right now, I could really use a break. Denny's acting up, I'm in a bad mood, the dog's getting on my nerves with her whining, and Dawn's just sleeping on the couch AGAIN! and I have to sit at the desk cause she's taking up the whole couch, and Denny's on the chair. I can't even watch TV in my own house without going into the bedroom. I know that alot of this is my own fault, and I could just say something, but I just don't feel like it. I have school work, and I don't feel like doing it, and I have cleaning to do,but I don't feel like doing it. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, but be with him, and I can't. I know I'm making this harder on myself, but I don't know how to stop it, or fix it. I'm so scared. I feel like my life is worthless today. Nothing's going right, I know in my heart that it's not good to feel like this, but I can't help it/ I can't force myself to be ok with this, and i can't even make myself cry. This is horrible, the worst I think I've ever felt. Sometimes, I still wonder how I will get through this.

2005-03-03T04:25:00.000-05:00

This deplotment is really taking a toll on me. Another bad day. I feel like he's gonna be gone for so long. I want him to come home. I don't want to do this anymore. Tomorrow's Thurday already. Denny's sick, I'm sick, and we're both crabby cause of it. The house is a disaster, I have TONS of homework to do. but I don't want to do it. I feel so bad for crying on the phone with him today, but I couldn't help it. This sucks so bad. And I'm so ready for him to come home. I'm proud of him for everything he does, and I know and understand that this is his job, and he has to do it. Someone's got to. But sometimes, I wonder, why does it have to be my husband, and my son's father. Is it really worth giving up all of our time together as a family, and everything that goes along with it. I do support him, and I don't mean to be so negative about this, but I just wish he wouldn't have to be gone for so long. God, this hurts so bad. I miss him so much. I wish he could be here, lying next to me right now. I don't know what to do, or how I'm gonna get through this. I have faith and I do believe but I'm also scared. It's hard not to be. Thinking about everything that he's going through, and all that we're going through as a family. I want him to come home, and I feel so selfish for thinking like that. But I can't help it. I just never imagined that it would be so hard, and I never thought it was possible to miss someone so much. He asked if I've been thinking about the whole reenlistment thing. I was honest like I always am, and I told him that I have been thinking alot about it. I'm just afraid that now because I said that, he's gonna be over there worrying, and wondering what I'm thinking. I want to tell him exactly how I feel, but I can't seem to find the right words to express everything with. So complicated. I gotta stop worrying like this

2005-03-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

I thought I was finally doing good. But once again I sit here questioning myself and my abilities to get through this without going insane. I want him to come home so bad, and I'm once again having a hard time realizing that I'm not gonna see him for so long. I know that we have a strong marriage and our love will bring us through this. But, it's so hard.I didn't get to talk to him again, and I know it's probably not his fault, but I feel like instead of calling me, he's playing a game on the laptop, or doing something else with his friends. I get so confused because I don't really believe that he'd do that and he's ALWAYS been so good about calling me but he told me the other day, that he wasn't even busy, and things had settled down some. so then why not call. Maybe he got busy and couldn't again, maybe the phone lines were down, or maybe he didn't want to wait in line. Maybe something happened. I don't know and that's one of the hardest things so far. I just don't know, I feel like I have no control over anything anymore, and I'm lonely, I feel empty, and I'm scared. I miss the comfort of knowing he's lying in bed beside me, safe and sound. I miss the wat I feel lying in his arms. I miss him being here to cheer me up, to make me laugh. I miss laughing at all the silly things he does, sometimes. That's one of the things I love the most about him. His personality and his sense of humor. I miss making him breakfast, and picking up his dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. I miss cooking him dinner, and waiting for him to walk through the door after work. I miss playing monopoly, and fighting to get him off the couch and into bed. Nothing's the same without him here. I want him home. I miss giving his massages and playing with his chest hairs to fall asleep at night. I thought writing this would make me feel better, but I'm starting to wonder. I sit here with tears in my eyes, wanting more than anything for him to be here, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying to make the best of all this, and do what I can to make time go faster, but nothing's working. I think right now, the only thing that would help, is him walking throught the door, and that's not gonna happen for awhile. I never imagined it would be so hard. I thought I would get used to him being away, but it's not getting any easier. Then I think about this whole reenlistment thing, and I feel like a selfish, terrible wife cause I don't want him to reenlist. I keep telling myself and him, that either way is ok with me, but somewhere deep down i feel like I'm lying to myself and to him. Because there's days like today, that I don't want him to do it. I know that he'll put some time and careful thought into the decision, and do what he feels is right. I'm proud of him for everything he does, and I know someone has to do his job. A job most people, including myself couldn't do. And I feel selfish for wanting him here with us. I feel like I'm breaking the promise that I made to him when we first got together. I told him that I would never make him choose between me and his career, and I could handle military life, and deployments. Now look at me, Of course, I still would NEVER make him choose. I'll support him and stand by him no matter what he does. But I feel like a crazy person. I can't tell him how I feel either. Only cause I want him to make his own decision. I will stand by him either way. I just know that if I told him how I'm feeling he'll probably get out and that's not what I want. I want him to get out only if that's what he really wants to do. So what do I do? talk to him about it, or ignore how I'm feeling. We're always been able to communicate, and talk openly about our feelings. This is the first time that i've ever felt like i can't. I know it's because I don't want to upset him while he's deployed, but I feel guilty, like i'm keeping something from him. This is so confusing. O-well I guess I'll figure something out eventually.

2005-02-27T00:08:00.000-05:00

Once again, I was having a good day. I don't know what happened to make me feel yucky all the sudden. Maybe it's cause I didn't get to talk to him again. Wow, if that's what's made me feel like this then I am selfish. I already talked to him once today for almost an hour. It was the happiest hour of my day. But he told me that he was calling me back, and he didn't. I really don't know why. I'm sure he just got busy and couldn't. And I know that he can't always control when he calls me. But it still hurts. I worry and I wonder, if something's happened, or if he's still safe. I hope everything's ok. I'm feeling a little tired. I'm not sure why though. Maybe if I go to bed early, I'll feel better. Besides, the faster I fall asleep, the sooner tomorrow comes, and the closer it is till I talk to him again. I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful husband. Denny, and I are so lucky to have him in our lives. He is the best father that Denny could have. So why am I feeling so crappy about this whole deployment. I know it's his job, and I'm so proud of him, and I'm proud to be his wife. But I guess I need him too. So does Denny. We need him at home. We need to know he's safe. I can handle things without him here, but I truly don't like it. Without him here, I feel like my life is empty. It just feels so lonely, and of course, Denny's here,and he's a big help. I don't know what I would do without him. And Dawn's a big help too. I guess. I just get so frustrated cause I want him to be here, and I want him to hold me, so I can touch him. I miss EVERYTHING. about him, and sometimes I get so scared. I don't know what to do.

2005-02-14T23:04:00.000-05:00

Well this is the first Valentine's Day that I've had to be alone. It sucked completely. I don't know why he didn't call me today, or yesterday, I know he was probably busy or something, but I feel forgotten again. I mean yesterday was our Anniversary, and today Valentine's Day. I didn't even hear from him, on either day. I don't know when he's gonna call the next time, and not knowing, is killing me. I'm stressed out and angry all the time, and I don't know what to do to make it better. I want everything to be ok, and deep down I believe eventually, it will be, but when is the question. I feel horrible, and I feel like he doesn't even care. Did he think about me today, or did he think about me yesterday. Knowing that it was our Anniversary, I wonder if he did forget about me. Or maybe he just forgot it was our Anniversary. God, why am I feeling like this, and thinking these things, when I know it's not true, he loves me as much as I love him of course he remembered, probably just couldn't call me

2005-02-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

Today's our first Anniversary of being married. I wish more than anything that he was home so we could spend it together. But instead, I sit here alone, doing homework. This isn't fair. We should be together. I feel so horrible for thinking this way, but I honestly can't help it. Sometimes, I get so mad because he's gone. I feel like a terrible wife, for thinking this way, because I really do support him. I feel so wrong for wanting him here, knowing that he's out there risking his life everyday, for our country. This is the job that he has chosen to do, one that most people couldn't do. I'm proud of him, and proud to be his wife, I just want him home.

2005-02-09T23:46:00.000-05:00

This is getting so hard. I want him to come home right now. I don't want to do this anymore, and I don't know if I can do this anymore. I think I had a panic attack or something, cause my chest was hurting, and I literally felt like I was suffocating. I've never been so scared in my life. I know it's just the stress from him not being here, and worrying about the whole deployment, and something happening to him. But I've got to figure out a way to get past this whole thing. I Love him more than anything, and I'm so proud of him for everything that he's doing. I won't let him know how I'm feeling, I can't. I feel like I'm keeping things from him, because I can't tell him that I'm not handling this well at all, I don't want to worry him, he doesn't need that while he's over there. But I truly don't know what to do, and how I'm gonna get through this. I feel like half of me is missing, so empty and incomplete. I know I've got to be strong, for myself, but more important, for him and for Denny. In time, I'm sure I'll feel better

2005-02-06T00:50:00.000-05:00

As Each moment passes and time goes by It won't be long Till your by my side The lonliness will fade from deep in my heart Missing you more each day we're apart As each moment passes your closer to me I'll be in your arms again I'll feel complete The love that I feel deep in my heart grows stronger every day even when we're apart I love you more and more as each moment passes.

One week down

2005-02-05T23:40:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are, this is offically one week now, since he's been gone. I can't believe that's all the longer it's been, it already feels like he's been gone forever. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I'm trying to stay as busy as I can, but right now I think I'm in a slump or something. It's hard because, I'm worried all the time. Oh God, what if something happens to him, how will I go on. I love him more than anything, and I don't know what I would do without him. I mean, he assured me that he would be careful, and that they'll take care of each other over there, but I'm always on guard. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes, like I can't move. I'm consumed with worry, and I can't make it stop. I know that it will get better in time, but the worry will always be with me until he comes home. I can't wait for that day.

It's finally sinking in

2005-02-02T20:56:00.000-05:00

Today's the day, I think it finally hit me that he's not gonna come home for a long time. I feel so many feelings. I feel lost, empty, lonely, and I feel forgotten. I know he's busy amd I'm sure that he would call me if he could. I have the most wonderful husband, and I know he wouldn't forget about me, or intentionally hurt me. But that's how I feel. And I feel guilty feeling like this cause I know that's not the case, I just don't understand yet why it's so hard to go call me before he goes to bed. I know he's tired and busy but I don't understand why he can't set aside a few minutes to call especially when he told me he would. I feel so selfish for thinking like this but I can't help it. When he tells me that he's gonna call and then doesn't I worry and feel hurt and disappointed. I'm trying to stay strong, and I'm trying to understand, but sometimes, it's so hard. I wish he could come home, and I wish this pain would stop. I need him to hold me. I miss everything about him. I never imagained that it would hurt so bad, and it makes me wonder how I'm gonna get through a whole year or more without him. I know I can do it, I just wish I knew how. Right now, I can smell him in this room. I sprayed his cologne, and now I want him here even more. It's comforting to at least have that, even if I can't see him or touch him. When will this loneliness end?

2005-02-02T02:23:00.000-05:00

When your gone the days and nights are long When I can't hear your voice or touch your face everything feels out of place I need you in my life I want you to come home Without you here I feel so alone When I'm in your arms, and by your side just being with you, makes me feel so alive. Looking at you, puts a smile on my face. You give me the strength to get through each day To know that someday, you'll be here with me. Opens my eyes and lets me see. I'll wait, because your everything! I miss you so much!

The Journey Begins (my English Essay)

2005-01-30T23:20:00.000-05:00

It was a cold, damp morning. I was lying in bed, trying to prolong the last moments we had together. I knew this day was coming, but I never dreamed it would arrive so fast. Today, I had to say goodbye to my husband, Allen, knowing that I wouldn’t see him for at least a year. I woke up my son, Denny, around 8:30 A.M., so that he could have breakfast and get dressed. I knew this was going to be a rough day. We spent about an hour getting showered, having breakfast, and checking to be sure Allen had packed any last minute items, previously forgotten about. I could feel the knots in my stomach getting tighter, and the tears welling up in my eyes. It was almost time to leave the house for the last time together. I remember thinking how difficult this next year would be for us, as a family, and as a couple. The many nights I would spend alone. I tried to stay calm. I knew I had to be strong for Denny, and I didn’t want to cause anymore worry for Allen. The ride in the car seemed to go by so quickly. It’s a twenty minute drive that felt like five minutes. Once we arrived at the company, Allen took care of his final deployment preparations. We got to spend about an hour and half together for family time. The moment he would have to leave was coming closer; soon we would have to say our goodbyes. I didn’t want to think about what I was about to do, but I couldn’t get the thought of him leaving out of my mind. We spent our last moments together crying in each other’s arms. I felt like we were the only two people on earth, but looking around, I remember seeing the families of all the other soldiers about to leave. I started to feel somewhat relieved, because I realized I wasn’t alone. There was a whole support system standing right in front of me. They are the wives, husbands, parents, and children of all the men and women that will leave to serve our country. I left my husband’s side, secure in my abilities to carry on, knowing that I wasn’t the only one feeling these emotions. Only time will tell, but I feel I will become a stronger person after going through this deployment.