I thought I was finally doing good. But once again I sit here questioning myself and my abilities to get through this without going insane. I want him to come home so bad, and I'm once again having a hard time realizing that I'm not gonna see him for so long. I know that we have a strong marriage and our love will bring us through this. But, it's so hard.I didn't get to talk to him again, and I know it's probably not his fault, but I feel like instead of calling me, he's playing a game on the laptop, or doing something else with his friends. I get so confused because I don't really believe that he'd do that and he's ALWAYS been so good about calling me but he told me the other day, that he wasn't even busy, and things had settled down some. so then why not call. Maybe he got busy and couldn't again, maybe the phone lines were down, or maybe he didn't want to wait in line. Maybe something happened. I don't know and that's one of the hardest things so far. I just don't know, I feel like I have no control over anything anymore, and I'm lonely, I feel empty, and I'm scared. I miss the comfort of knowing he's lying in bed beside me, safe and sound. I miss the wat I feel lying in his arms. I miss him being here to cheer me up, to make me laugh. I miss laughing at all the silly things he does, sometimes. That's one of the things I love the most about him. His personality and his sense of humor. I miss making him breakfast, and picking up his dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. I miss cooking him dinner, and waiting for him to walk through the door after work. I miss playing monopoly, and fighting to get him off the couch and into bed. Nothing's the same without him here. I want him home. I miss giving his massages and playing with his chest hairs to fall asleep at night. I thought writing this would make me feel better, but I'm starting to wonder. I sit here with tears in my eyes, wanting more than anything for him to be here, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying to make the best of all this, and do what I can to make time go faster, but nothing's working. I think right now, the only thing that would help, is him walking throught the door, and that's not gonna happen for awhile. I never imagined it would be so hard. I thought I would get used to him being away, but it's not getting any easier. Then I think about this whole reenlistment thing, and I feel like a selfish, terrible wife cause I don't want him to reenlist. I keep telling myself and him, that either way is ok with me, but somewhere deep down i feel like I'm lying to myself and to him. Because there's days like today, that I don't want him to do it. I know that he'll put some time and careful thought into the decision, and do what he feels is right. I'm proud of him for everything he does, and I know someone has to do his job. A job most people, including myself couldn't do. And I feel selfish for wanting him here with us. I feel like I'm breaking the promise that I made to him when we first got together. I told him that I would never make him choose between me and his career, and I could handle military life, and deployments. Now look at me, Of course, I still would NEVER make him choose. I'll support him and stand by him no matter what he does. But I feel like a crazy person. I can't tell him how I feel either. Only cause I want him to make his own decision. I will stand by him either way. I just know that if I told him how I'm feeling he'll probably get out and that's not what I want. I want him to get out only if that's what he really wants to do. So what do I do? talk to him about it, or ignore how I'm feeling. We're always been able to communicate, and talk openly about our feelings. This is the first time that i've ever felt like i can't. I know it's because I don't want to upset him while he's deployed, but I feel guilty, like i'm keeping something from him. This is so confusing. O-well I guess I'll figure something out eventually.