Today was another good day. I got to talk to him on the computer for a few hours he kicked my ass playing pool. That's ok, I'll get him next time. :) I got some cleaning done around the house, finally. I feel my motivation coming back to me. I feel better, more relaxed, and alot calmer. I stayed around the house most of the day, then went to Jessi's and played cards. It was fun. Nice to get out of the house for a change instead of sitting around feeling miserable like I was so used to doing.
I don't know if he's gonna be able to get back online tonight or not, I hope he's able to. At least so I can tell him goodnight, and that I LOVE HIM <3>
I noticed that when I'm ok, and doing well my friends actually want to do things with me, and I'm included in the plans. I didn't understand why they didn't want to be around me so much before, but I think I get it now. I mean nobody wants to be around someone that's miserable. Why would they want to listen to me complain all the time. It would just bring them down too. Just like it was doing to Allen. I never wanted to bring him down, or anyone else. I guess I was trying to reach out, letting the people I care about know that I wasn't ok, and that I needed help. I just wanted someone to listen, and I just wanted someone to understand where I was coming from and why I was feeling how I was feeling. I think they understand now. I realiz that before anyone could truly understand me, and why I was feeling so miserable, I had to understand it myself. Finally, I do understand. I still can't control some of the thoughts I have, or my ways of thinking, but I'm working on it. And I know I'll be able to overcome it with the help of Allen, and my friends. But things are looking up, and improving everyday, I guess I'm just lucky that me and Allen have an unconditional love for each other, and no matter what will stick by each other through anything. I never thought I could have that with anyone, and I'm thankful that we've found each other. I miss him terribly, but I know our love will get us through this.