I still haven't heard anything from him, and I don't know what's going on. Maybe he's sleeping, but if he is why didn't he atleast let me know that he made it back. Or maybe he's not back yet. I hope nothing happened. I hope he's ok. This is what bothers me the most, and makes it harder for me. I know he does the best that he can as far as getting a hold of me, and he does a wonderful job, more than i could ever expect or ever ask for. So then, why do I get upset, and why does my mind wonder off to thinking crazy thoughts all the time. The minute I don't hear from him, when I think I should have heard something by now, I start to think things. I can't help it, and I can't control it. I try to focus my energy and attention on other things, more positive things so that I'm not a wreck but I can't sometimes. I find myself glued to the TV, watching the news, and trying to guess if the things that I see happening over there were anywhere near him. All I can do is hope and pray that they aren't, and just wait patiently to hear from him, and know he's ok.
It's so hard sometimes to go on here living a "normal" life, when my life is nothing like normal. I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares that something's happened to him. I wake up in the morning to the sounds of all the noise in the house from the kids. Wishing I would hear his voice too. Those are the best days, when I wake up and the first thing I hear is him on the computer, or when I get up and there's already a message from him waiting. It comforts me. The neighborhood kids, running in and out all day long with Dennis. The music blasting on the TV. I have to constantly remind Dawn to turn it down, or to turn off lights that she's left on. I drive everywhere by myself, to pay bills, to the store. Anything that we would otherwise do as a family I do alone. Including Denny's soccer, and baseball games, activities at the school. To the doctor's to the dentist. All the car repairs, road trips, trips to the beach, to the mall. Everywhere, it's all done without him. He doesn't get to enjoy any of the things we get to enjoy being at home. He's missing out on so much. So many important things that go on at home, so many fun things, that don't seem fun to me or denny without him here. We played Uno last night together, it was kinda fun, but not the same without him. Even Denny said "I wish Daddy could be here to play with us, it's more fun when he's here." Sometimes when he says things like that it hurts, because I know the pain I'm feeling, and the lonliness that I feel, is felt by Denny too. And I don't want our son to feel miserable without his daddy here. At least I understand more of why he's gone, than denny does, so I'm sure it's not only lonely to him, but confusing as well. I think we've done a good job explaining things to denny, and answering his questions, but it's still hard for me at home. I have to be the one to calm him down when he gets upset, and to reassure him that everything's gonna be ok. Which at times is hard to do, because I don't know what's going on over there all the time. How can I reassure a 7 yr old, when there's so many things I'm unsure of myself. There's so many things that I've had do without him here. And sometimes, I feel so selfish for complaining. My life at home isn't easy by any means, but at least we're here and we're safe.
He's over there out of the road, so many things going on around him. I imagine he always has to be on guard, I will never know the way it is for him. But, I feel selfish because I am here. I get to tuck Denny in everynight. I get to hug him, and kiss him, and hold him on my lap to comfort him when he's sad. I get to see him play sports, play games with him. I get to enjoy watching him grow, and I get to help him with his homework, and see him make new friends. I get to hear his voice, and watch him laugh. Anytime I want. And I feel selfish because I can do these things, and my husband can't. I want that for him. I want him to be able to do these things, and I can't imagine how hard it is for him to be over there away from all of this. I can't imagine it, and i want to understand. I try to understand. But there's no way I will ever be able to.