Crazy thoughts again

Today was a little bit harder for me. It was one of those days that I really wanted him to be home with us. I know that I'm gonna have days like this throughout the rest of the deployment, but I wish I knew how to stop thinking about it.
He has a job to do, and neither one of us can do anything about it. I try to keep a positive attitude about it, but it seems like I only end up dwelling on the negative things. He's back to thinking about reenlisting. Saying that he doesn't know if he should do it or not. I feel terrible about the whole thing. I want him to do what's best for all of us, and I know that's what he wants too. But, I'm willing to sacrifice anything I have to sacrifice so that he's happy. I'd rather be miserable and unhappy during a deployment, knowing that he's happy, than to have him home where I'll be happy, but I'd have to see him miserable all the time. It's hard to explain, and I get so mixed up about the whole thing. I can only imagine how hard it is for him.
It's like as soon as I start to feel better, and I feel like I can handle this deployment, some random thought pops in my head that throws me right back into a stage of depression, and misery. I hope that my counseling appts help, and I hope I can get to the point where I'm able to push all these thoughts aside, and relax. I don't know where it all comes from. I guess it's just the way my mind works. I wasn't like this before the deployment, and I don't know if the deployment has caused me to be like this or what it's from. I'm so much more worried about everything, and the anxiety increases, and then goes away. My moods change so often, one minute I'm fine and the next I want to scream.
He should be getting back online soon. I just hope that he's able to get enough sleep. I don't want him to give up his sleeping time talking to me. Of course, I want to talk to him, and I'll take every opportunity I get, but what I want more than anything is for him to hold me, and just be here with me. He makes me feel safe, and secure. And I feel so much stability in my life when he's here with me. When he's gone, I feel so empty, so lost, and so lonely. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be better. But, right now I want him here. I miss him more than I could ever explain, and I don't know how to deal with all of this I guess. I just want my family back. That's all. But, I know that he would be here with us if he could. I was sitting here thinking back to when he was home on leave, how nice it was just to have him in the house, To know he's safe, to fall asleep in his arms, and wake up next to him. I'm just wondering now if he's gonna get online again tonight. He was supossed to be on at 10:00 and it's after 10:00 and there's no sign of him yet. He's probably sleeping, and I'm sure sometime soon he'll get on so we can talk. It's just the waiting that's hard. I never know what's going on over there, and I always worry especially when I think I'm gonna talk to him and then I don't. I get so scared, and I wonder what's wrong, what's going on, and if something's happened. That's what puts me in this rambling state of mind that I'm in now. Not knowing anything, and feeling like I don't have control over my life. I know I can't sit here and worry and wonder all the time, it's not helping me deal with this. In fact, it's one of the things that's making it harder for me. I can't stop the worrying, and wondering. About everything. I still feel like I can handle this, I guess I'm just dealing with it in a different way.