frustrated

I don't know anymore what to do or what's going on, I want to talk to him so bad. I can't even explain what it feels like to sit here alone, and not know what he's doing or where he is. I was doing so good before, but now i feel like I'm falling apart again. I can't really understand why because it won't be long, and he'll be home. I should be happy and excited, and part of me is. But the other part of me, doesn't want to have to tell him goodbye again. I don't want to do this. i don't know if i can watch him walk away from me again. that was the worst feeling in the world.
I know that it's not his fault that i haven't heard from him since friday. It can't be his fault. that's just not like him to say he'd get in contact with me, and then not do it. But it's been the pattern lately. Communication sucks, and the worse it gets, the harder it is for me to be back here, and to do this. It gets so frustrating, and it's hard to understand what's so different now. why is everybody else still talking to their husband's and knowing what's going on, and i'm left in the dark. it's hard not to compare, or at least feel some bit of bitterness when everyone around me is talking to their husband's a couple times a day. We used to talk like that, so what has changed. maybe he's been busier, but then when he tells me that he had the day off, it hurt. I was glad that he finally got ahold of me, but to know that he had the whole day off, and waited till midnight to get in contact with me, just hurt. i felt like i was put on the back burner. I'm trying to stay strong, and i know i have to be for all of us. But i feel sometimes, like i don't have enough strength in me to carry on this way. I feel so lonely, longing for him everyday. Just wanting him to be here, away from danger. Wanting to be in his arms. Knowing its not much longer and i can be is great, but then we got to do this thing all over again, and i'm scared. i try not to think of the "what if's" but i can't help it. it goes racing through my mind everyday, every second that goes by that i don't hear from him makes me worry about his safety and what's going on even more. i have no where to turn, no one to talk to about this. I'm left here to write to myself, as a way to release all the anger and frustration that's building up inside of me. i don't know how much longer i can take this. I feel so torn, and so selfish sometimes. i'm so proud of him for everything that he's doing over there, and he's sacrificing a lot more than i am. so why am i feeling this way. why do i feel like he's abandoned me, when i need him the most. i know that he hasn't. he would never do that to me, so why do i feel this. why do i feel like my whole life is turning upside down, into a downward spiral, why is everything in my life seem to be spinning out of control. i don't know what to do, or how to make things right. i don't even know if there is anything wrong. i just feel like there is. we used to talk all the time. our marriage has been like a dream. something i never thought i would find. no love like ours is greater in my mind. but why do i feel like he's not feeling the same way as me. maybe it's cause he's dealing with things different. i don't understand what he's going through over there, and i don't know how he feels. i don't like not knowing, and i don't like feeling, like i;m not involved in his life. and i guess that's how i feel. i feel like i'm back here hanging on, and when the time comes i'm gonna lose him. he says that's not gonna happen, ever, but i feel like it already is. i will stand by him, and i will wait, and i'm trying my best to support him, and live this kind of life. but i just don't know how to do it.
I love him more than anything, and i know that he loves me, but i feel like this deployment is slowly tearing things apart. I mean, it's only been 3 days since i heard from him, but that's long enough to cause worry and concern for me. i guess i'm just not very good at this whole thing. i try to think positive, and when i think things like this, he gets upset. i don't want to upset him or hurt his feelings, but i don't know how to control my feelings, and emotions. i wish i did. believe me it would make life much easier for me. i can't focus on anything right now. i'm trying so hard. maybe to hard. all i can think about is what it's gonna be like when he gets here. i have no confidence in myself, and i'm so afraid that when he gets here and goes back, and for some reason, he's gonna decide that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and he'll want a divorce. it's kinda crazy for me to think this way, but i can't help it. and he gets so upset when i talk like this, that i could never let him know how i've been feeling. i wouldn't want him to have to go through anymore stress over there than he already is. but i have to talk to someone. i have to let this out of my system, it's tearing me apart. i have no friends that i can talk to about this. they don't want to hear it, i feel so lost, and so confused right now. i wish this would stop. i just want to hear from him, and i just want the reassurance that everything will be ok. i just want him to hold me, and tell me that it's gonna be fine. i miss that safe feeling i have when i'm in his arms. i miss feeling secure. I miss everything, and i just want to talk to him and know that everything's ok.